Salesman jokes

• How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?Phone her up
• Gay porn: What a load of bollocks.
• If you have nuts on your wall what do you have? Walnuts.If you have nuts on your chest what do you have? Chestnuts.If you have nuts on your chin what do you have? A fucking big mouthful of cock.
• A travelling salesman knocks on a house doorIt is answered by a young child wearing a smoking jacket. he has glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other.The salesman asks "Are your parents in?"The child replies "What the fuck do you think?"
• The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn"t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men"s clothing store & thought, "That"s what I need - a new suit."He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I"d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let"s see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let"s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe"s feet and said, "Let"s see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe"s waist and said, "Let"s see... size 36."Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I"ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can"t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
• A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "£101 237.64" The Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed £101 237.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn"t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?". "No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend"s fucked, you might as well go fishing!""
• A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it"s answered by a 12 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mum or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
• A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around and spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn"t pop up right now.As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little "accident", she asks "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"Copy CatHe answers," Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
• A travelling salesman stops at a petrol station to take a crap. The toilet has two stalls and there"s a man already there using one of them. The two men acknowledge each other and go about their business. The salesman finishes first and as he pulls his trousers up, some coins drop into the toilet bowl. He looks at it, thinks for a moment and drops a 20 pound note into the bowl. The other man, astonished, asks, "Why the hell did you do that?" The salesman says, "You don"t expect me to put my hand in there for 35 pence do you?"
• A travelling salesman had broken down at 5am on his way to an early morning meeting and managed to push his car to a layby near a park. He thought, while he was waiting for the AA man, he"d catch up on some much needed sleep.Just as he nodded off, a dog walker tapped on his window and asked for the time. Annoyed, the salesmen told him it was 5:10 and tried to get back to sleep.Just as he nodded off, a newspaper boy tapped on the window and asked for the time. Annoyed, the salesman told him it was 5:20 and tried to get back to sleep.Just as he nodded off, a milkman tapped on his window and asked for the time. Getting pretty angry now the salesman told him it was 5:30 - he then wrote a note saying "I DO NOT HAVE THE TIME" and stuck it on his window, he then snuggled down an tried to get back to sleep.Just as he nodded off, a Jogger tapped on his window and said "It"s 5:40 mate"