Russian jokes

• Why do the police in Russia travel in threes? They need one who is able to read, another who can write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
• Would you shag a Russian? Would you leave your wife and four kids for one? Would you do all that for a girl 43 years younger than you? Ronnie Wood.
• What do you call a cautious Russian wasp?a K.G.B
• An American, a Russian and a Talibani are on a plane. The hostess asks the American what he wants to drink, to which he replies "a dry Martini please". She asks the same to the Russian in the middle, and his responce: "vodka and lemon please". She turns to the Talibani along the aisle seat and asks him the same question, to which he politely replies "oh nothing for me thank you very much, I am about to drive!".
• A guy goes to Moscow on business, the first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room. Being a hooker he"s not expecting much, but as they"re going at it she starts moaning, he starts pumping for all he"s worth and she starts squealing. he"s really getting into it now, banging like the proverbial shithouse door and she starts screaming. Afterwards, she"s shattered, she drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says "Mushka, Mushka". "She must have loved that and is telling me well done" the guys thinks.Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf, the Russian tees off first, he hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot. Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says "Mushka, Mushka".The Russian looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
• Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Englishman and a Pakistani on a train. The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says "theres plenty more of that where I come from".The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says "theres plenty more of those where I come from".Again everyone is rather impressed so the Englishman stands up and throws the Pakistani off the train.....
• A Russian, an American, and a Irishman were talking about how good there countries were. The Russian said, "we were the first in space!"The American said, "we were the first on the moon!"The Irishman said, "so what? We"re going to be the first on the sun!"The Russian shook his head and said, "you can"t land on the sun, you idiot! You"ll burn up!"To which the Irishman replied, "we"re not stupid, you know. We"re going at night!"
• The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun the cylinders, and then pulled the triggers.Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was very impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.A year later, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette." So saying, he led the Russian into the room where the only occupants were six beautiful, naked women.The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob. Take your pick."The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn"t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, great, but where"s the roulette part? Where"s the danger?"With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, "One of them is a cannibal."
• When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they realised that ball-point pens wouldn"t work in zero gravity. A million dollar investment and two years of test resulted in a pen that could write in space, upside-down, on almost any surface and at temperatures from sub-zero to 300 degrees. When confronted with the same problem the Russians took a pencil.
• A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it"s clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "but Boris, why do we need only one glass?"Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
• What"s the name of the russian guy who invented a cure for the common cold?Benylin Forchestikov.
• what do you call a russian man with 3 balls? who-dya-nik-a-bollik-off