Ring jokes

• My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
• Last year 2.3 million calls were made to Childline...a third went unanswered..Thank Fuck for that
• Why is Don King like Michael Barrymore?Both will see you get a good fisting in the ring!
• Scientists have discovered that the average tit weighs 1.5kg, but they cannot work out the average weight of a cunt.So if you could pop on the scales and ring me back.
• Campanology...That rings a bell.
• What do Frank Bruno & Stuart Lubbock have in common?Both have been beaten around the ring
• I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and fuck off.
• When was the last time a boxer became champion and then shat in the ring?Crufts 1964.
• How come when you ring a wrong number, its never engaged.
• Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question."Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?""None," replied Johnny, ""Cause the rest would fly away.""Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?""Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?""No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
• A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you"re doing and get out!" The tramp says "You want to make your fucking minds up, you"ve a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort."
• I thought I hadn"t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.Amazingly that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.
• Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I"m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn"t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife"s birthday, I"m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn"t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I"m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn"t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
• A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I"ll have to do to take care of this ring?"With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
• What sparkles like a diamond, and is small enough to fit in a schoolgirl"s ring?Gary Glitter.