Pun jokes

• How do you titillate an ocelot?Oscillate its tit a lot.
• I hate everything paraplegics stand for.
• The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.And then it hit me.
• I had a candlelit dinner the other night.Everything was really undercooked.
• What are the worst things about being an egg?You only get laid once,you only get eaten once,you only get hard once,you come in a box with five other guysand the only chick to ever sit on your face is your mother.
• Why are photographers always so depressed?Because they always focus on the negatives.
• Two oranges walk into a pub. One says to the other, "Your round".The other orange replies,"So are you, you fat cunt".
• The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.I didn"t know what to make of it.
• Two paedophiles are on a cruise when one falls overboard."Help! Help! I"m drowning! Someone throw me a buoy!"The other turns to the passengers surrounding him and says "Thats my mate - game to the end!"
• I was chatting to a mate in the pub- who loves jokes- and I was telling him a little story. So I began my tale:"I went to see a Gypsy fortune teller the other day, who put me in touch with me dead grandfather. After we had finished and I had paid her, she smiled at me and in a jolly voice said she had really enjoy the session- So I smacked her in the face!"My smartarse mate chipped in, "Ha ha- Thats becase you LIKE TO STRIKE A HAPPY MEDIUM isn"t it!" I replied, "No, its because I can"t fucking stand gypsies."
• A boy who couldn"t see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday.I told him there was no need for senseless violence.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?He"s allright now.