Prostitute jokes

• If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?
• Why do Jews watch porn films backwards?They love the bit where the prostitute gives the money back.
• If the best things in life are free why do prostitutes charge?
• First the prostitutes and now the turkeys... Not much chance of getting a gobble in Suffolk now then.
• I know what drove Steve Wright to murder those five prostitutes, it was his black Ford Mondeo.
• How do you make a hormone? Take her to Ipswich.
• Job vacancy: Prostitutes required, Ipswich Area. Good rates of pay but the shifts are murder.
• A family of prostitutes are talking.The daughter says, "I got £50 for a blow job today".The mother says, "In my day it was £5".The grandmother says, "In my day we were just glad for the warm drink".
• This Big black prostitute who was also a Chelsea fan, got a tattoo of John Terry and Frank Lampard on the inside of her thighs.She says to her punter "If you can guess who they are you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Shaun Wright-Philips!
• A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for £5.The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way.A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he"s doing.The man replies calmly, "I"m just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"The officer responds, "I"m sorry, sir, I didn"t realise it was your wife."The man quickly replies, "that"s quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I".
• A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance."Yes" he said. "I"d like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?"The woman said, "That sounds really good and I"d like to oblige, but if you press 9 first you"ll get an outside line."
• I slept with one of those "high class" prostitutes the other week. I"m not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.
• I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking bird the other night, so I asked her,“Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?”“That"s my business!” she snapped back at me.“Oh, I"m sorry! I didn"t realise,” I responded. “How much?”
• For those that don"t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!" General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout troop visiting his military headquarters.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?GENERAL COSGROVE:We"re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Shooting! That"s a bit irresponsible, isn"t it?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don"t see why, they"ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:Don"t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?GENERAL COSGROVE:I don"t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.FEMALE INTERVIEWER:But you"re equipping them to become violent killers.GENERAL COSGROVE:Well, Ma"am, you"re equipped to be a prostitute, but you"re not one, are you?
• An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn"t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You"re a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that"s parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years" Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
• I see it has become a law that to come into this country as a immigrant you have to be educated in English to GCSE standard. This is ridiculous, when I hire a prostitute do you really think I care if she"s read Shakespeare?
• My girlfriend came downstairs in this very sluttish dress the other night and I said, "you look like you"re about to go to a fucking brothel."She said, "well, what if I am?"I replied, "you can give me a lift."
• I see there is a big football match on tonight- Russia V Sweden. Apparantly its got citizens from both nations totally gripped- which would explain why most of London"s prostitutes have taken the night off....
• A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, "Hi, we"re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"" "That"s terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest"s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we"re prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
• Have you ever walked round a seedy, "sex for sale" area like Soho in London, Fairfield Street in Manchester or De Wallen in Amsterdam, and wondered why its called a "red light" distict?No?Me neither, I"m too busy looking at all the tits.
• After the 4th "Ho" was found dead in Ipswich, the police ruled out Santa Claus as their main suspect.
• Three whores are sitting at a bar.The first one says, "I can get three fingers up my fanny." and gives the other two a demonstration.The second one says, "that"s nothing, I can get a whole fist in there." and duly obliges to show the other two.The third one slid down the barstool.
• Two prostitutes walking around Soho and one says to her mate "Er! I think I"m pregnant""Have you had a check up" replies her mate"No I think he was Polish" she said
• Bernard Matthews is pissed off, it"s usually only him strangling birds at this time of year.
• There"s a dyslexic Santa on the loose in Ipswich who keeps leaving prozzies under trees.