Prison jokes

• Steve Wright the Ipswich murderer had his first meal in prison. When asked if he wanted a dessert he said he could murder a tart!!
• What have Harold Shipman and Gareth Gates got in common?Neither of them can finish a sentence!
• My mate got 5 years for falling asleep on the job.That sounds a bit harsh, but he was a burglar.
• NEWS FLASH:John Darwin went missing again today.He was last seen in the prison gym on the fucking rowing machine.
• Last week my mate was sent to prison for selling drugs. He got 6 years; one for the possession of the drugs,and five years for retailing using non-metric weights and measures.
• Three blokes are in a South African jail. Two of them are white, and one of them is black. The black guy asks the first white bloke, "what you in for?""Murdered a black," the white man responds."How long did you get?" inquires the black man.The white man replies, "10 years, but the judge said I would be out in five with good behaviour.""Shit," said the black man, turning to the other white man. "And what about you?"The white man says, "I raped a black woman."The black man asks, "how long you get?"The white man replies, "two years, but the judge said I would be out in a year with good behaviour."The white man ponders and asks, "what are you in for?""Riding a bicycle with no lights," he replies."How long did you get?" asks the white man.The black man sighs, "15 years, and the judge said I was lucky it was daylight or it would have been 30."
• What did the paedophile say when he was released from prison?"I feel like a kid again."
• I saw a Nigger outside a police station the other day. I asked him, "What are you out for?"
• 95% of black males say they enjoy sex in the shower.The other 5% haven"t been to prison yet.
• A convicted drug dealer is in prison, and his father, an old farmer, comes to visit. His father explains that they are having problems."Son, the ground is frozen. It is too hard for me to dig myself at my age, but I can"t afford extra men or to hire machines- I don"t think we will be able to plant crops this year, which will mean we will go bankrupt and lose the farm."Later the prisoner goes back to his cell and writes a letter to his father- " Dear Father, please be aware that a good friend of mine will be visiting soon. There is a large quantity of stuff he is collecting. It is hidden on the farm, he will know exactly what to do." Some weeks later the prioner"s father comes to visit. "Well, son, your friend never showed up, but before I even got your letter the police came round, searched the whole house and dug up all the land around, but they didn"t find anything." The prisoner smiles, " Happy planting, dad."
• Yesterday a severe stutterer was sent to prison for drink driving.He was given six months but the police don"t think he will finish his sentence.
• I read in the paper the other day how a clairvoyant midget escaped from prison.The headline said "Small Medium at Large".
• Q: How many prison officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ... A: Two. One screw to screw in the bulb and another screw to screw the first screw should he screw up.
• A man stole a calender. He got 12 months.
• I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer.