President jokes

• Its going to be a hard decision for Americans on who to vote for President. One candidate is black and the other makes great oven chips.
• People talk about the glass being half full, or half empty. I consider myself to have a positive attitude, thus Barack Obama is half white.
• 10 million sperm cells.And George Bush was the fastest... i bet his mother felt cheated out of 9 months.
• Crawford, Texas (Associated Press Release) -A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The fire began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished colouring the second one.
• What do you call a retard in a fancy suit?The President of the United States.
• One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ""Nice pigs, sir."" The President replied, ""These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."" The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ""Nice trade, sir"""
• Did you know that 13% of Americans think parts of the moon are actually made from cheese.If you think that"s scary, you don"t want to know what President Bush thinks about the city of Philadelphia.
• "People say, "can you really imagine the United States of America having a black President?"And I say, "why not? They just had a retarded one."
• The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I"ve come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain." "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I"m told by the American people that I need a heart." "I"VE HEARD IT"S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE." There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn"t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Is Dorothy here?"
• Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate. Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 325 million people very happy."
• Here are a few quotes from George W. Bush:"The inhabitants of Greece are the Greecians""The French don"t have a word for "Entrepreneur"""The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.""If we don"t succeed, we run the risk of failure.""I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.""The future will be better tomorrow.""We"re going to have the best educated American people in the world.""I stand by all the misstatements that I"ve made.""We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.""A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.""For NASA, space is still a high priority.""Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.""It isn"t pollution that"s harming the environment. It"s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.""It"s time for the human race to enter the solar system."
• George Bush wakes up one December morning, opens the curtains and looks down on freshly settled snow on the white house lawn. To his horror and anger he sees someone has written in piss "George Bush is a Cunt".He calls for his chief of staff and orders that tests are done on the urine to see who the guilty person is.Later that day the chief of staff says "Mr President, sir, I have some bad news and some awful news. The bad news is the urine we tested is actually your father"s - the awful news is it"s your wife"s handwriting."