Pregnant jokes

• I made a monkey out of myself last night.........I got a black girl pregnant.
• What do you call a female chav with two brain cells? Pregnant.
• How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?The kid stutters.
• A couple want to have a bash at anal sex, but the woman decides to play it safe and seek medical advice first."Anal sex is perfectly safe," says her doctor, "as long as you take it slowly at first and use plenty of lubricant. And you take care not to get pregnant, of course.""What?" says the woman incredulously, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?""Certainly," replies the doc, "where do you think chavs come from?"
• Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, "fuck off it"ll be too painful.""
• A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It"s a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don"t worry, I"ll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby"s face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
• In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?""How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher."Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I"m seven years old." "No, dear, you can"t get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
• For years, men and women have argued over which is more painful: Being kicked in the bollocks, or giving birth.So how can we reach an answer? Well put it this way. About a year after a couple"s first child, a woman will say "lets have another baby"But I challenge you to find a man, who one year on, will turn to his mate and say "tell you what, Dave...kick me in the bollocks again"
• How can a black girl tell if she"s pregnant?The cotton is getting picked off her tampon.
• My girlfriend thought she might be pregnant, so I bought her one of those home pregnancy tests. I took the stick out of the box, told her to go into the toilet and do her business on it.Five minutes later I shouted, "has it turned blue yet?"She said, "no, it"s still brown."
• Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?" Sheila turns around with tears welling up in her eyes. "Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don"t want to be a burden, so I"m just gonna kill myself!" Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. "Sheila, not only are you a great fuck, but you"re a good sport about it too!"
• The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn"t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was."It"s a period," reported Johnnie."Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period.""Buggered if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shit himself."
• An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation but I"ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."