- Two flies on a toilet seat,..one got pissed off.
- Message written on a public toilet wall:What are you staring at the wall for? The joke is in your hand......
- dyslexics are teople poo
- A man walks into a service station bathroom and on his way in he slips on a piece of turd lying on the floor.He quickly gets back up, brushes himself down and makes his way to the urinals and whilst urinating he heard a scream and a thud and saw a man walking in looking annoyed and he said"I just slipped on that piece of turd in the hallway"The man at the urinal says "Oh I just did that"Then the other man smacks him and shouts "You dirty bastard"
- A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.”Where does poo come from?” she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: “Well you know we just ate breakfast?” “Yes,” answers the girl.
“Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.”
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks: “And Tiger?”
- WAYS TO ANNOY THE PERSON IN THE NEXT TOILET CUBICLEFill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under the stall cubicle of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy big boy!" Grunt and strain real loud for 30 minutes and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.Say, "C"mon Mr. Happy!! Don"t fall asleep on me!!" Say, "Hmm, I"ve never seen that colour before. ......" Say, "Interesting. . . more floaters than sinkers.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a twenty pound note and drop the note under the cubicle wall of your neighbour. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please"?
- Why did the baker"s hands smell?Because he kneaded a poo!
- Pilot: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. The weather is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. OH MY GOD...."Pilot: (Five minutes later) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking, the flight attendent spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants."Passenger: "That"s nothing! You should see the back of mine."
- What"s brown and lumpy?Trisha Goddards tit.
- GOLF TERMS EXPLAINEDA Sally Gunnell - not pretty but a good runnerA Paris Hilton - an expensive holeA Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footerA Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footerA Salman Rushdie - an impossible readA Rio Ferdinand - Lipped outA Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn"tA Cuban - needs one more revolutionAn Elton John - a big bender that lips the rimAn Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunkerA Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sandA Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfectA Kate Moss - bit thinA Gerry Adams - playing a ProvisionalA David Trimble - tentative prodA Glen Miller - kept low and didn"t make it over the waterAn Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor resultA Russell Grant - a fat ironA Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable ironA Rodney King - over-clubbedAn O.J. Simpson - got away with itA Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a goodrunnerA Princess Grace - should have taken a driverA Princess Di - shouldn"t have taken a driverA Robin Cook - just died on the hillA Michael Jackson - gradually fadingA Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn"t have the legsAn Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but youA Ken Livingstone - quite far leftA Jean-Marie LePen - a long way rightA Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seemsA condom - safe but didn"t feel real goodA circus tent - a BIG topAn Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a resultA Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you"re not expecting itA Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the targetA sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn"t be
- Two bikers are sitting at a bar. One turns to his mate and pulls a face like a jew presented with a bill;"What"s that smell?, you farted or shit yerself?"The other biker doesn"t miss a beat."Shit meself"."Ah christ mate, why don"t you go clean yourself up?"Sipping his pint thoughtfully, his mate replies;"Haven"t finished yet."