Police jokes

• Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears.Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain.Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile.But you try having a wank on a bus - see how much fucking attention you get.P.S. Can some one please pick me up from the police station in a few hours?
• What has 6 legs and a cunt on the middle of its back?A Police horse.
• How many NYPD officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs?None, he fell.
• I get very nervous after sex, as I normally have the police after me.
• According to police reports, there are apparently no less than three paedophiles living on my street. That really is shocking... I wonder who the other two are?
• I found my local ice cream man lying on the floor outside my house the other day, he was covered in hundreds and thousands..........it turned out he had topped himself!!
• I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "Do you have a police record?"I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."
• A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager."Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig"s ok, but he"s stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and iswriggling and squealing so much I can"t get him out."The manager says, "Ok, there"s a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it,shoot the pig in the head and you"ll be able to remove him."Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss.Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from thebull-bars. No problem there, but I still can"t go on"."Now what"s the problem?" raged the Manager."Well boss, it"s his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."You there Boss?"
• A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem Officer?"The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I"d give it to you but I don"t have one.""You don"t have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I"m sorry, I can"t do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car."The officer says, "Stole it?"The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?""She"s in the boot if you want to see."The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?""One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.""Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"The man says "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn"t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
• 15 blokes chased a paki through McDonalds. When they caught him, they beat him to death.After the police arrived at the scene, they questioned a witness about why he didn"t helpHe simply responded "i thought 15 was enough"
• The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......Apparently they"ve found some copper in Snowdonia.
• A police officer is parked outside a bar one night when he sees a drunk man stumble out the door. The man staggers through the parking lot and falls down. He tries his keys in five different cars before getting in and driving off. The cop immediately pulls him over and makes the man take a breathalyser test. The man blows a 0.0."This thing must be broken," the cop says.The man responds, "nope, tonight I"m the designated decoy!"
• Police dog handler on crowd control, standing in the tipical macho pose.A little boy comes by and stops and asks the rozzer if he can give his dog a reward. "Why whats he done to deserve it"?, asks the bobby. "He's just peed down your leg" the lad replied.