Plane jokes

• Happy twin towers day
• Lucky that family left their home in Farnborough for the weekend before the plane crashed into it.But its a shame they left the landing-lights on
• Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the fucking plane.
• The plane in Spain falls mainly on the runway.
• Police today arrested a Thalidomide couple at Heathrow Airport.They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane.
• An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn"t have to show it.""Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.Then he quietly explained."Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Sword Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn"t find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to"
• A man goes to the World Trade Center. He says "I want to buy a jumbo jet""We don"t sell jumbo jets here sir", was the reply."Well you"ve got one in the window!"
• It"s strange isn"t it ?You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.
• As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I"m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
• I see that the Spanish are doing cheap flights to the Canary Islands, but I just can"t see them taking off.
• A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Hong Kong to Sydney, Australia.After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I"d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and my head stuffed up a sheeps arsehole than let liquor touch my lips."The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn"t know we had a choice."
• A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.Ashley said, "My father"s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."What"s the moral of the story?" asked the teacher."Don"t put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said."Very good," the teacher replied.Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had adozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "Don"t count your chickens before they"rehatched".""That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?""Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn"t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.""Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?""Stay the fuck away from Aunt Shirley when she"s been drinking."