Pissed jokes

• I was drunk in a poorly lit nightclub and ended up pulling a transvestite. I took her home and drilled her arse all night.I was furious and disgusted in the morning when I found out she was nigger.
• I had a wet dream about the wife last night. She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.
• I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.
• I wouldn"t say that Shannon Matthews" mother was ugly, but she does have to get her vibrator pissed.
• I"ve been drink driving for years now and have never been pulled over. In fact cars tend to get out of my way.I love working in my ambulance.
• A man is driving rather erratically down a road. A police officer stops him. The officer says,"would you mind blowing into this breathaliser for me please, sir?" The man says, "I"m asthmatic, I can"t do that.""Okay then," he says, "how about a blood sample?""I suffer from haemophilia," he said, "I could bleed to death.""Okay," said the officer, rather pissed off, "step out of the car and walk across this white line.""I can"t do that.""Why not?" said the officer.The man replies, "because I"m pissed."
• A Teacher Asks Little Johnny What He Did Over The Weekend "My Cat Died" Exclaimed Johnny "I Knew He Was Dead Cos I Pissed In His Ear" , The Teacher Says "You Did What!?", And Johnny Says "I Leant Over And Went "Psst", And The Little Fucker Didn"t Move!"
• "What do you mean by coming home half drunk," screamed the angry wife.The husband shouted back, "it"s not my fucking fault - I ran out of money."
• My mate recently went to the Bahamas and stayed in a Holiday Inn. Imagine how pissed off he was when I told him there"s one just up the road.
• I staggered in pissed out of my head last night. My wife stormed up to me and punched me in the face.I said "You should be a boxer"She said "Why, am I a hard puncher?"I said "No, your nose is flat and you"re ugly".
• Paddy is driving home, pissed as a fart. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over because he"s swerving all over the road, so Paddy tells him about all of the trees in the road. The cop says, "for fuck"s sakes, Paddy, that"s your air freshner."