Pint jokes

• I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the fuck happened on the ninth of November anyway?
• People keep saying that Americans are stupid, but I disagree. Anyone that builds a city 10 metres below sea level, in a hurricane zone, and fills it with niggers is a fucking genius!
• My wife got me to tie her to the bed last night. When I did, she said that I could do anything I wanted.So I had a shave and fucked off down the pub.
• This American bloke goes into a pub in Southern England. He gets himself a pint and then he challenges anybody to a game of pool and he beats everyone.The barman says, "you"re good, but Smiffy will have you."Then he challenges anybody to a game of darts and he beats everybody at that as well.The barman says, "you"re very good, but Smiffy will have you."Poker is the next challenge, and once again he beats every person he plays.The barman says, "you"re fucking good, but Smiffy will have you."With this, the American chap says, "who the fuck is Smiffy?"The barman points to a little elderly man wearing a flat cap, sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.He walks over to the table and the old guy stands up, then flicks a beer mat up in the air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down and catches the beer mat right in the crack of his arse and says, "can you do that?"The American flicks the beer mat up in air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a fag, pulls his trousers down........and Smiffy fuckin" had him!
• Gary Glitter goes into a bar and orders a pint of John Smiths. The barman says, "Sorry, sir, I"m afraid I can"t serve you that."Gary Glitter asks, "Why?"The barman replies, "Because it"s a no nonces bitter."
• What"s the difference between having a badly poured pint and having a child with Down Syndrome?If the head"s too big on your beer you can blow it off
• It was my son"s birthday yesterday so I bought him his first pint.He was in a right state: sick everywhere.When I got him home, he vomited all over his sheets and shit himself.The wife went fucking crazy. Still, good job he"s still in nappies.
• Why is Parkinsons better than Alzeimers?Because it"s better to spill half your pint than forget where you fucking put it.
• What"s the difference between a dog and a fox?8 pints.
• All this "metric system" bollocks they"re shoving down our throats these days. It"s enough to drive you to drink.Anyway, I"m away out for five-hundred-and-sixty-eight millilitres.
• They say football"s a game of 2 halvesFor me its more like 7 pints