Pilot jokes

• What do you call a black guy whos flying a plane?A pilot you fucking racist.
• “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking, we are about to land at Glasgow Airport, passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years...”
• All that fuss about the Queen mother visiting the East End during the Blitz! My grandad visited it every night as well.Mind you, he was a Heinkel pilot.
• Two Irish pilots flying An Air Fungus jet on final approach at Cork Airport,First pilot said: "Bejesus! Look how short this runway is."Second pilot said: "Yes, but look how fucking wide it is!"
• A man is sitting on a plane waiting to get served for drinks but he notices that the refreshments cart seems to have stopped well in front of him. He looks to the front of the plane where all of the air hostesses seem to be running around after one of the passengers who is bossing them around. When he looks closer, he notices that the passenger is a very rude parrot. "Get me a whiskey now bitch!" screamed the parrot, and she hurried off rather nervously to get it."Get me some peanuts you whore!" he screamed to another girl, and again in fear of the horrible parrot she rushed off to get some.The man thought to himself that if he tried the same approach as the parrot then he might get served. The next time an air hostess walked past the man shouted, "Hey slag! Get me a beer!" The air hostess instantly burst into tears and ran to the front of the plane and into the cockpit. A few minutes later the co-pilot and several air hostesses walked back out of the cockpit, grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane. As they began falling towards earth the parrot turned to the nervous looking man and said, "well, you"re a cheeky fucker for someone who can"t fly!"
• Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate. Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy." John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 325 million people very happy."
• An elderly Pakistani man in an old folks home gets a visit from his family."They treat us very well here, with respect," he said. "See over there that"s Tom, he used to be a doctor and they still call him "Dr. Tom". And Bill over there used to be an airline pilot, they call him "Capt. Bill"."And me, I"m 90 years old and haven"t had sex since I was 63, but they still call me "That fucking Paki"."
• Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It"s a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie"s lips."What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you"re doing?"Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
• Pilot: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. The weather is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. OH MY GOD...."Pilot: (Five minutes later) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking, the flight attendent spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants."Passenger: "That"s nothing! You should see the back of mine."
• You don"t have to be a pilot to die in the R.A.F....
• An RAF pilot flying over Libya saw 2 flying carpets armed with machine guns and air to ground missiles. He gave chase and in a dramatic dogfight shot them both down. Chuffed to bits he returned back to base. On landing he was called to the Squadron Leaders office for a right bollocking....Apparently they were Allied Carpets....