Pig jokes

• What do you call Jade Goody with her family and friends relaxing on a beach in Cuba?Bay of Pigs.
• How can you tell if a pig is horny?She buys the first round.
• You are driving at a constant speed: on your left is a sheer drop, on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and travelling at the same speed as you. Behind you is a helicopter travelling at ground level and travelling at the same speed as you. What do you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?Get the fuck off the kiddies merry-go-round, you pissed up bastard!
• What do Kermit the Frog and Craig Meehan have in common?They both enjoy fucking pigs.
• Yesterday I made a comment in which I referred to a Muslim as a "pigfucker." I now realise that this was deeply offensive and totally unjustified. The implication that anyone could lower themselves to have sex with a creature considered to be unclean, disgusting and downright immoral, is unjustifiable and offensive and as such I wish to offer a full apology to any pigs who might have been listening.
• Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.His wife is lying in bed reading.Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you"ve got a headache."Wife replies, "I think you"ll find that is a sheep."Man replies, "I think you"ll find I was talking to the sheep."
• A Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager."Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig"s ok, but he"s stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and iswriggling and squealing so much I can"t get him out."The manager says, "Ok, there"s a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it,shoot the pig in the head and you"ll be able to remove him."Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss.Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from thebull-bars. No problem there, but I still can"t go on"."Now what"s the problem?" raged the Manager."Well boss, it"s his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."You there Boss?"
• Two Irishmen are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... "Hey Paddy, do you smell what I smell. It"s bacon - I"m sure of it." "Yes, Mick, it smells like bacon to me." So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There"s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there"s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. "Paddy, paddy we"re saved. It is a bacon tree." "Mick, are you sure it"s not a mirage? We are in the desert, don"t forget." "Paddy, when did you ever hear of a mirage that smell like bacon? It"s no mirage, it"s a bacon tree."And, with that, Mick races towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Paddy following closely behind, when, all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Mick is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Paddy with his dying breath. "Paddy... go back man, you was right it"s not a bacon tree." "Mick, Mick ... what the fuck is it?""Paddy... its not a bacon tree... it"s...it"s...it"s...it"s a Ham Bush."
• I met this bird last night who was a right ugly fucker, I said "What"s your name?""Tuesday" she replied.I said, "that"s a strange name."She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, "I think we"d better call it a day.""
• I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation. She asked "what actually is reincarnation?"I said to her, "well, its when you die and come back as something completely different.""So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimedI said, "you"re not listening are you.....?"
• NEWS FLASHThey said that people in India were burning effiggies of Jade Goody. They weren"t, they were barbecuing a pig.
• This bloke loses both of his ears in an accident. The surgeon tells him that there are no human transplant ears available but they have a dog"s ear and a pig"s ear ready to transplant, so he agrees to the operation. One month later, he goes back for a check up and the doc asks him how he is getting on with his new ears."Well, doctor,", the bloke says, "the dog ear is brilliant - I can hear for miles and no fucker ever talks behind my back - but with the pigs ear....I seem to be getting a lot of crackling in it."