Penis jokes

• Why is the bible like a penis?You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
• I, P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:I do physical labour.I work at great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.I work weekends and public holidays.I work in a dark space with poor ventilation.I work in high temperatures.I am exposed to contagious diseases.Sincerely,P. NissThe Response:Dear P. Niss:After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:You do not work 8 hours straight.You fall asleep after brief work periods.You do not always follow the orders of your supervisor.You have attempted to enter restricted areas without proper authorisation.You often lack initiative and need to be pressured in order to start working.You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.You do not take necessary safety precautions, such as wearing protective clothing.You are unable to work double shifts.You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed an assigned task.And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.Regards,V. Gina
• I was chatting to an American about all the pain we felt on 9/11/2001. I should know- I caught my foreskin in my zip that day.Which, by the way, was the 9th of November.
• Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow."Two...once in a while I like to play with my money. "Three...I like how money feels in my hand. "And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely in the hospital...
• Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection."What"s that, Mummy?" asks the child."Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.A week later Johnny"s dad takes him and the same happens. "What"s that, Daddy?""That, son, is the elephant"s penis.""Mummy said it was nothing.""Your mother"s spoiled, Son!"
• Interesting Human Body Facts- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball. [I"m from Blighty, is a softball about the same size as a rounders or cricket ball?][bit bigger than a cricket ball]- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.- The average man"s penis is three times the length of his thumb.- A woman"s heart beats faster than a man"s.- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.- Women blink twice as much as men.- The average person"s skin weighs twice as much as their brain.- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren"t.- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.*** You looked at your thumb... Didn"t you?
• With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills you"d think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink vaginas instead.
• Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?They know Jewish women can"t resist anything with 10% off.
• If size doesn"t matter, how come my girlfriend"s vibrator isn"t three inches and crooked?
• What"s long, white, hard and forced into my daughters mouth every night?Her toothbrush.
• Herb decided to propose to Sandi , but prior to her acceptance Sandi had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandi in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."Sandi and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.Herb whisked Sandi off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another... As Sandi put her hands in Herb"s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!""Yes, it is..." exclaimed Herb, "8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long."
• Theres a Cucumber, an olive and a penis. the cucumber says "my lifes crap i get chopped up and put on pizzas", the olive says "yeah, yeah iget stabbed and put in wine" finally the penis says "well how about this, i get put in a bag, thrown in a dark hole until i throw up".