Paper jokes

• How do you make paper babies?Fuck an old bag.
• Some positive news for Amir Khan.His uncle has offered him a paper round at his corner shop.
• I put a wanted ad in the paper asking for a wife, I got 523 replies saying take mine.
• I hear stories about a new kind of toilet paper being sold.There"s a drawing of the prophet Mohammed on it and you get to colour him in!
• Rock, paper, scissors:- To most of us it"s a game, but to Zimbabweans it"s a wedding list.
• The other day I read in the paper, "A woman has been murdered in Manchester, by a 38 year old man who has not been named."I thought, "38 years old and he still hasn"t been named? What"s everyone been calling him all these years?"
• Billy ConnelyWhat Pisses me off.........ONEPeople who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?TWOPeople who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.THREEWhen people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuckin right! What good is a cake if you can"t eat it?FOURWhen people say "it"s always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you"ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?FIVEWhen people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fuckin floor.SIXPeople who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn"t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?SEVENWhen something is "new and improved!" Which is it? If it"s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it"s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.EIGHTWhen people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that"s longer?NINEWhen you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?TENPeople who say things like "My eyes aren"t what they used to be". So what did they used to be? ears,ELEVENWhen you"re eating something and someone asks "Is that nice?" No it"s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.TWELVEPeople who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that"s an image I really didn"t need.THIRTEENMcDonalds staff who pretend they don"t understand you unless you insert the "Mc" before the item you are ordering.....It"s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I"ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser.FOURTEENWhen you involved in a accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I"ll just pick up my limbs and be offFIFTEENWhen people say "can I borrow a piece of paper i"ll pay you back" It"s one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards i don"t want it back
• this old couple are walking around a car boot sale , when they notice on a stall-an offer of 5 toilet brushes for a fiver, both impressed they buy the toilet brushes, the following week the old lady is again on the car boot-and she passes the same stall when the owner says "How are you getting on with those toilet brushes?" and the little old dear says " Well i"m persevering , but the old man"s gone back to paper"
• A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn"t control himself and let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today"s paper?" The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I"ll grab you a handful of leaves."
• Sky have won the rights to the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it"s only on paper view.
• I opened my paper today and was disgusted by the title: "100 DAYS ON AND MADDIE"S STILL MAKING HEADLINES". I mean she"s still making videos as well, but there"s no need to advertise is there???