Pain jokes

• My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.
• Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven?Because if they all went, it would be hell.
• Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears.Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain.Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile.But you try having a wank on a bus - see how much fucking attention you get.P.S. Can some one please pick me up from the police station in a few hours?
• What are the first symptoms of AIDS?A sharp pounding sensation up the backside.
• Why are men with pierced ears more suited to marriage?Because they have already experienced pain and bought jewellery.
• In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the "tip."The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He went to the farmers house and put his penis in buttermilk. At that moment the farmers daughter came in. With her face red, she stood perfectly still looking at him."Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.To which the girl replied, "Yes, but this is the first time I see one being reloaded!
• Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, "fuck off it"ll be too painful.""
• According to a TV commentator today, there is "Nothing more painful than going out of Wimbledon live on TV." That"s an absurd exaggeration- what about a paper cut on the bell end?
• Paddy had had a really bad pain in his arse for a few days now so he decided to go to the doctors.Upon arrival he tells the Doctor and the Doctor tells him to drop his trousers. Paddy does and the Doctor starts inspecting his rear end.After a couple of seconds the Doctor suddenly cries out, "Bloody hell Paddy, there"s a £20 note up here!"He pulls it out and puts it on the table and as he looks back, another £20 note is sticking out!"Crikey there"s another one" he says.Again he puts it on the table and another one appears. This continues for about 10 minutes when the Doctor says "Well Paddy I just pulled £1980 out of your arse!".Paddy replies "Bloody "ell Doctor, thanks a lot! I wasn"t feeling too grand!"
• Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don"t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
• Seems likely that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.. they"ve experienced pain and bought jewelery.
• Scientists say that when our kids are hurt, the pain can be soothed away by being stroked, rubbed or cuddled, as it activates nerve fibres. So that"s where I"ve been going wrong. I usually cuddle, stroke and rub children, and then hurt them.