Old people jokes

• Remember when?There was no gun or knife crime.You could let your kids play outside with no fear.There were no hoodies or street scum who terrorised the neighbourhood.Old folk could collect their penisions without being mugged.And little girls would get into your car for a bag of sweets or the promise of seeing some puppies.
• I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once........None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves
• 91% of people over 60 believe that we show less respect to others than we did in the past.Silly old fuckers.
• Two old women are sitting in a cafe. Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?"Ethel replies, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
• Imagine being 85. A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age and mumbling nonsense all day. Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer. Well, that"s not for everyone of course. Some of us arn"t fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.
• A 75-year old man went to his doctor"s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor"s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing. Then with her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn"t get the fucking jar open!"
• A lad is in a bus station, and goes into the toilets to piss. When he walks in he sees a Leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The Leprechaun zips up and the lad asks him if he is indeed a real Leprechaun.The little man says, "Aye me boy, I"m a Leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.""Really?!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?!""Well, havin" such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin" and all... I"ll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn"t mind suckin" me dick until I come." The lad is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. The Leprechaun smiles away until he comes down the lad"s throat.The lad says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"The Leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?""18," he says."Aren"t you a bit too old to still be believin" in Leprechauns?!"
• An elderly couple showed up at the doctor"s office together one day. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "We"d like you to watch us have sex, and make sure everything"s all right." The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There"s nothing wrong with the way you have sex, everything"s fine." He charged them $50 and they went on their way. The next week, they showed up again, with the same request, and the next week, and several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We"re not trying to find out anything. She"s married and we can"t go to her house. I"m married and we can"t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $109. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!!!"
• A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot & dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer"s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck & it fell in this field & now I"m going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property & you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand & if you don"t let me get that duck, I"ll sue you & take everything you own." The old farmer smiled & said, "Apparently, you don"t know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Three Kick Rule."The lawyer asked, "What is the "Three Kick Rule"?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times & then you kick me three times & so on back & forth until one gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest & decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor & walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer"s groin & dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer"s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer"s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will & remaining strength & very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it"s my turn." The old farmer smiled & said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
• An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband"s libido."What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor."Not a chance", she said. "He won"t even take an aspirin"."Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It"s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won"t even taste it.Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".It wasn"t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor!""Really? What happened?" asked the doctor."Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!""Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn"t good"?"Twas the best sex I"ve had in 25 years! But as sure as I"m sitting here, I"ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
• Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds on the Alzheimer"s patients. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?"Joe responds, "59."He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?"Tom responds, "Wednesday."He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?""NINE" replies John."That"s right ...now how did you come to that answer?""It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday."