Old man jokes
- I helped an old lady across the road this morning...but I did her old man a favour and left him on the other side.
- The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest."Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That"s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest."It"s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favours," continued the old man."Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest."Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That"s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?""Of course, my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
- This old geezer goes into a church confessional booth and says to the Priest, "forgive me, father, for I have sinned.""What is it you have done, my son?""Well, I am 85 years old and last night I was late night shopping in Tesco when a 25 year-old pair of Swedish twins asked me for some help. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up going back to their place and I had sex with both of them.""Say five Hail Mary"s, my son.""What"s that?" says the old man.The Priest replies, "everyone knows that... Are you sure you are a Catholic?""Nope, not me.""Well, what are you telling me for?""Look, pal - I"m telling every fucker."
- Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked, "what"s wrong?"The old man replied, "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me blow jobs whenever I want and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner, and then again later."The young man had a strange look on his face and asked, "what"s so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life."The old man replied, with tears in his eyes, "I can"t remember where I live!"
- A university student delivers a pizza to an old man"s house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man."That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much - he said if I got 50p, I"d be lucky."The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here"s five quid. What are you studying?""Applied psychology," replies the student.
- An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a 5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don"t think you understand, I want something very special."At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here"s a stunning ring at only 40,000," the jeweler said.The young lady"s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We"ll take it."The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I"ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I"ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There"s no money in that account.""I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
- An old man went up to a beautiful in a bikini and said..."I want to feel your tits....I"ll give you £10""Get away from me you dirty old man" she replied."OK let me feel your tits for £20 then" said the old guy."NO.. get away from me.! " she said loudly."Well what if I make it £50. will you let me feel your tits then?"There was a few moments silence as the girl thought about the £50, then she came to her senses and said again..."No get away from me.""Right...my final offer then." said the bloke, "A hundred pounds if you"ll let me feel your tits"She considers this and thinks "Well he is old...and a hundred pounds would be very handy"....."OK, I"ll let you do it for a hundred, ....but only for a minute though." she answered.She unclipped the hook at the front of her bikini and as the old guy filled his hands with her young firm breasts and began to fondle her , he started saying "OH MY GOD.....OH MY GOD...".over and over again.A little amused, the girl asked "Why do you keep saying Oh my god?"While he continued to feel her tits the old guy answered "OH MY GOD......Where am I ever going to get a hundred quid from???"
- A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God"s ultimate enemy was in his presence.So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"The man replied, "Yep, sure do.""Aren"t you afraid of me?" Satan asked."Nope, sure ain"t." said the man.Don"t you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan."Don"t doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone."Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep," was the calm reply."And you"re still not afraid?" asked Satan."Nope," said the old man.More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren"t you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
- An old man is kneeling by the bed.His wife says, "What are you praying for?"He replies, "Guidance."She says, "Pray for stiffness, I"ll fucking guide it in myself!"
- A policeman was called to the high street to attend to an 80 year old man crying in the road."What is the problem my friend?" he says. "I am 80 years old and I have a Thai girlfreind, she brings me breakfast in bed every day then she shags me half to death. I sleep till one o"clock then she brings me lunch when I finish she shags the arse off me. I sleep until seven o"clock then she wakes me with my dinner. I eat then she gives me another good seeing to.""Fuck me!" said the copper, "what the fuck are you crying for?""I"ve forgotten where I live!"
- Paddy and Murphy have been away camping for a week and it"s their last night before they return home, so they spend the evening in this country pub which was a couple of minutes walk away from the campsite. Shortly after arriving in the pub a freak storm occurs of torrential rain and high winds. Paddy and Murphy aren"t bothered as they are having a great time downing pint after pint and joking with the locals.At closing time the storm has subsided somewhat and they both make their way back to the campsite but to their dismay, their tent has blown away. Even though they"ve had a few drinks Paddy suggests taking the car and finding a hotel. They jump in and head off down the road.All of a sudden an old man"s face appeared on the passenger side and taps lightly on the window. Murphy screams out, "eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There"s an old guy"s face there!, I think it"s a ghost Paddy!"This old man kept knocking, so Paddy says, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"So Murphy rolls his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?"Murphy, terrified, looked at Paddy and said, "He wants a cigarette!""Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" Paddy replies.So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaauggggg, there he is again!❝ Murphyyells.""Well see what he wants now!" yells back PaddyHe rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?""Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.Murphy throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window then yells, "STEP ON IT!"They are now going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden, again there is MORE knocking!"Oh my God! HE"S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.The old man gently replies, "You want some help getting out of this mud?"
