Old lady jokes

• I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.So I pushed her over.
• I helped an old lady across the road this morning...but I did her old man a favour and left him on the other side.
• There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.The letter read:"Dear God,I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.Can you please help me?Sincerely,EdnaThe postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.It read,"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.By the way, there was £4 missing.I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"
• An old lady that was very fond of her pet cats suddenly lost both of them within days of each other.To help her come to terms with her grief she decides to visit a taxidermist.The taxidermist checks them out and says, "Would you like them mounted?"The old lady replies, "No thank you just holding hands will do!"
• I went shopping earlier today and when I got to the checkout my trolley was overflowing with stuff falling on the floor. Stood behind me was a little old lady with just a tin of peas and a few sausages in her basket.I said, "is that all you"ve got, love?"Her little face lit up and said, "yes dear." I replied, "well fuck off then, I"m gonna be ages!"
• As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her."Well," said the woman, "I guess I"d like to be rich."POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold."And I wouldn"t mind being a young and beautiful princess."POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels."your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you"re fucking sorry you had me neutered now."
• A little old lady goes into a sex shop, shaking like she has Parkinson"s walks up to the counter and says to the assistant,"Young maaaan, have you got a viiiibraaaatoor?"He"s a bit taken aback and not sure if her heard her correctly because of her shaky voice, but he picks out a modest-sized model and places it on the counter."Nooooo, nooooo, bigger than thaaat"So he brings her the next size up."Noooooo, noooo, bigger than thaaaat"This happens a few times until finally he places the biggest vibrator in the entire shop on the counter. It"s eighteen inches long with a girth that would make even Jenna Jameson"s eyes water."Yeeeees, yeeeees, thaaaat"s the one. Hoooow do you tuuuurn it off?"
• The old lady next door to me is going senile so I go round there every week to go shopping for her.It"s great - five minutes later she"s forgotten all about it and I"m fifty quid richer!
• A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any erection pills for her elderly husband."Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit, 50%, which makes it stand up half way and 100% which makes it touch the ceiling.""Oh", says the woman,"I"ll take the 20% pill please."The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill won"t do much for you sex life, love," to which the old woman replies,"no, but it"ll stop him pissing in his fucking slippers!"
• a 75 year old woman goes into see her doctor to see if there is any remote possibility that she can have a baby, the doc tells her to lift up her skirt and pull down her panties, after a close inspection the doctor says "Look love , you are 75 years old, and your"e fanny smells kipperus, which is a condition to describe the breeding ground for kippers" and the liitle old lady who is partly deaf as well says "Pardon?", and the doctor says "Ok , i"ll come straight to the point, you have a kipperus vagina , and if you have a baby it will be a miracle", so the old lady trudges off home to her husband who asks "What did the doctor say?", and the little old lady replies "I have a kipper as a vagina, and if i have a baby it will be a mackerel"
• A coach driver is taking a bus load of pensioners on a trip when all of a sudden one of the old dears taps him on the shoulder and hands him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes she taps him again and hands him another handful of peanuts. Just as she is about to hand him the third lot he says, "Why don"t you eat the peanuts yourself?"The old lady replies, "We can"t chew the peanuts because we have no teeth but we do love sucking on the chocolate around them."