Nuts jokes

• Your eyes are like spanners...When I look into them my nuts tighten
• Apparently, small children can choke on nuts.In my experience, they gag on cock too.
• If you have nuts on your wall what do you have? Walnuts.If you have nuts on your chest what do you have? Chestnuts.If you have nuts on your chin what do you have? A fucking big mouthful of cock.
• I shat myself last night. I was having a beer in an airport bar when a paki rushed in screaming "allah, allah, allah, allah, allah......., alava coke and bag of nuts please.Stuttering Bastard!!!!
• A little boy walks into an ice-cream shop wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of six-shooters. He asks the assistant for an ice-cream sundae.The assistant says, "do you want your nuts crushed?"The little boy whipped out his guns, pointed them at her and said, "do you want your tits shot off?"
• An MP has said that lad mags such as Zoo and Nuts are "linked to social ills".Yeah, like short-sightedness, palm hair and repetitive strain injury.
• As the old chinese proverb goes..."Man who sticks penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts"
• Lots of criticism at the moment is being targetted at "Lad"s Mags" such as Zoo, Nuts and Loaded. People are saying they are immoral and degrading to women. Conservative MPs have even stated that they are willing to be interviewed in such magazines to elaborate on why they are a bad thing. But, trust me, that"s not going to happen. You never see a cunt in a Lad"s Mag.
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubblewrap. The psychiatrist says, ""Well, I can clearly see you"re nuts.""
• From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I"ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
• The sad life of a penis:I"ve only one eye, my hair"s a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbour"s an arsehole, my best friend"s a cunt, and my owner"s a wanker.