Nuns jokes

• How do you get a priest to fuck a nun?Dress her as a choir boy.
• How do you get a nun pregnant?Dress her up as an altar boy.
• A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, What may we do for you, my sonHe answers, I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.Very well, my son. Please follow me. He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, Please knock on this door. He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway. He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
• What do you call a shop packed full of nuns?Virgin Megastore
• Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them. Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"
• Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you stupid cunt."
• There was a church with nuns and monks living in it but they were not allowed to go near each other or speak to each other.One day 4 monks went to have a shower and after they had stripped off they found there was no soap so one brave monk said that he would go and take some from the nuns quarters.Off he went naked as the day he was born to get the soap. He quickly found some soap but on the way back he heard some nuns coming back so he decided to act as a new statue and stood frozenThe nuns came round the corner and instantly noticed the figure stood on the hallway they giggled to each other and approached it.One nun grabbed the monks penis and pulled and the monk droped 2 of his bars of soap the nun exclaimed "Oh, look its a soap dispenser"Another nun approached the monk and the same happened The third nun approached the monk and pulled she screamed "It dispenses hand cream aswell"
• A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP entrance to a rock concert, but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "is any aspect of you impure in some way?"The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man"s penis..." Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.He asks the second Nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man"s penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.Saint Peter quickly asks, "what is the matter, sister?" The Nun replies, "nothing"s wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
• The 7 dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy story land.All week they nudge Dopey sniggering "Well you can finally ask your question!", to which Dopey replies every time "Shurrup willya!"Finally the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story, he shakes hands with the evil Queen, then Snow White then slowly makes his way down the line of the dwarfs.As he approaches Dopey theres a small chant which gets louder and louder "Ask him.ask him...ask him ASK HIM>!""Ask me what?" Questions the pope.The dwarfs shove Dopey forward "ASK HIM!","What would you like to know?", says his holiness."Well", begins Dopey, "Are any of your nuns black?""Hm" ponders the pope "As a religion we catholics don"t differentiate between creed so its more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black . Does that answer your question?"ASK HIM!! shout the dwarfs."Is there more to your question young man?""Erm......do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?""well young man we have nuns all around the globe so its more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?"ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yell the dwarfs!"Is there more to this question?" asks the pope now getting more than annoyed."Erm..................................are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?!"WHAT"! Splutters the pope."I"m sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica i would have heard of it. So in answer to your question NO!"All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing."DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!"
• It was time for Father John"s Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John"s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone."Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I"ve been saved.""Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun."Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.""Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.""Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly."At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.""That wicked old bastard," exclaimed the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel"s Horn and I"ve been blowing it for 40 years."
• I"ve recently developed a new habit.It comes with a flap in the back to make it easier for the nuns to take a shit.
• Mother Superior calls two novices to her office." "Due to the outbreak of flu I can't send any one out to buy the groceries, so I must send you two. Be on your best behaviour ,here's the list and the money, come straight back." On the return journey they find a porn magazine. one of them hides it in her habit to smuggle back in to read later. The mother superior is doing her rounds later in the day, and on passing the novicies quarters hears giggles and sighs from within. She catches them with the porn mag and scolds them. Go and do 10000 Hail Mary's then report to me in my office,I will have thought up a suitable punishment for you ,you wicked girls. The girl got the H.Maries done quicker than the mother superior expected and they caught her giving herself one with a large carrot wihilst reading the mag. "ooh mother what are you doing?" they asked Thinking fast M.S replied,"The vegitable pealer has broken down and I am having to improvise" Now as apunishment you can spend ten days in the kitchen preparing the vegitables and scrubbing the floors ,so away with you. Keen to see that the girls were obeying her the M.S went to the kitchen and was puzzled at the ooh,s and ah.s and sounds of pure ecstacy coming from within.On entering she found all the kitchen staff "peeling" different veggies. Then she saw the two novices at it as well,they were bright red in the face and sweating very very heavily. MY goodness stop this at once you sinful people. "Novices what are you doing?" "The fucking chillies ma'm, It's curry night tonight they replied."