Nun jokes

• The dying thoughts of a 9/11 victim:Is it a bird...?Is it a plane...?OH SHIT, IT IS A PLANE!!!!
• Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car you stupid cunt."
• A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your habit? I"ll explain later."The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."After the MP"s ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, "I can"t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don"t want to go to Iraq."The nun said, "I understand completely."The soldier added, "I hope I"m not rude, but you have a hairy pair of legs!"The nun replied, "If you"d looked a little higher, you"d have seen a great pair of balls... I don"t want to go to Iraq either."
• A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP entrance to a rock concert, but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "is any aspect of you impure in some way?"The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man"s penis..." Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.He asks the second Nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man"s penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.Saint Peter quickly asks, "what is the matter, sister?" The Nun replies, "nothing"s wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
• A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.The garage doesn"t open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don"t think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I"ll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed.""I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I"m very cold.""OK," says the priest, "I"ll get a blanket from the cupboard."Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I"m still terribly cold."The priest says: "Don"t worry, I"ll get up and fetch you another blanket."Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I"m still very cold. I don"t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night.""You"re right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."
• The 7 dwarfs are all excited as the new pope is visiting fairy story land.All week they nudge Dopey sniggering "Well you can finally ask your question!", to which Dopey replies every time "Shurrup willya!"Finally the day arrives and all the dwarfs are lined up with the other characters from the Snow White story, he shakes hands with the evil Queen, then Snow White then slowly makes his way down the line of the dwarfs.As he approaches Dopey theres a small chant which gets louder and louder "Ask him.ask him...ask him ASK HIM>!""Ask me what?" Questions the pope.The dwarfs shove Dopey forward "ASK HIM!","What would you like to know?", says his holiness."Well", begins Dopey, "Are any of your nuns black?""Hm" ponders the pope "As a religion we catholics don"t differentiate between creed so its more than probable that quite a few of our nuns are black . Does that answer your question?"ASK HIM!! shout the dwarfs."Is there more to your question young man?""Erm......do any of your nuns work in Antarctica?""well young man we have nuns all around the globe so its more than likely that we have a couple in Antarctica. Does that answer your question?"ASK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yell the dwarfs!"Is there more to this question?" asks the pope now getting more than annoyed."Erm..................................are any of these black nuns in Antarctica dwarfs?!"WHAT"! Splutters the pope."I"m sure if we had a black dwarf nun in Antarctica i would have heard of it. So in answer to your question NO!"All the dwarfs collapse on the floor pissing themselves laughing."DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!! DOPEY SHAGGED A PENGUIN!!"
• Once there was this really scummy bloke travelling on a bus, when a nun got on and sat right in front of him. She was quite good looking, so he leaned over to her and said, "I really want to fuck you in the arse!" She went bright red, and got off at the next stop.When the bloke was getting off the bus, the driver said, "hey, mate, I noticed the nun got off a couple of stops early, what did you say to her?"The bloke replied, "oh, I just told her I wanted to fuck her in the arse."The driver thought for a minute, then said, "well, if you"re still interested, I happen to know she walks through the park down the road there every night at about six o"clock."The bloke thanked the driver for the info then went on his way.When he got home, he thought to himself, "she"ll never fuck a scumbag like me." So he got dressed up as Jesus.That evening, he was hiding in the bushes when the nun came wandering through the park. He leapt out and cried, "g"day. I"m Jesus, and I want to fuck you in the arse!"The nun replied, "well, seeing as how you"re Jesus, I suppose you"d better."So the bloke got his cock out, and proceeded to fuck the nun up the arse. But after he"d finished, he was feeling a bit guilty. So he said, "actually, love, I"m not really Jesus, I"m that rude bloke off the bus earlier."The nun replied, "that"s okay, I"m not really the nun, I"m the bus driver!"
• A nun is in the bath when there"s a knock on the bathroom door."Who is it?" shouted the nun."The blind man" came the reply.The nun tells him to enter, as he wouldn"t be able to see her in all her glory, because he"s blind.He walks in and quips "Nice pair of tits, where do you want the blinds?"
• Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux?"Yes, Father it is.""And who was the woman you were with?"Johnny says, "I can"t tell you, Father. I don"t want to ruin her reputation.""Well, Johnny, I"m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?""I cannot say.""Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?""I"ll never tell.""Was it Nina Olivier?""I"m sorry but I cannot name her.""Was it Cathy Prejean?""My lips are sealed.""Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?""Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you."The priest sighs in frustration. "You"re very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you"ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What"d you get?"Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
• I was coming home from work today and I saw a Nun riding on a Clowns back.Now that"s just virgin" on the ridiculous.
• A nun gets into the back of a taxi and as the taxi driver takes off she tells him that she likes to have sex. The driver finds this very odd but asks her if she would have sex with him. She replies, "Yes, but I don"t have sex with married men or men who have children...and one more thing...the front is for God and the back is for you" as she points to her pussy and then to her ass. The driver gets in the back and starts fucking her up the ass and then stops. The nun asks, "Why did you stop?" The driver zips up his pants and says, "I just want you to know that I"m married and have two children." The nun pulls her habit down and says, "Well, if you"re ready for confessions, my name is Bob and I"m on my way to a costume party."