Nonce jokes

• Kids have got it easy today. When I was a lad, we never heard of paedophiles, so we had to buy our own fucking sweets!
• Shannon Matthews has been found alive and unharmed.Thank goodness she was too ugly to molest.
• Gary Glitter wants to be cremated when he dies and his ashes put in an Etch-a-Sketch, so the kids can still play with him.
• Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven"t met the right child yet?
• Old Father O"Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You"re the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I"ve ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.""Incredible!" said Father O"Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?""Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I"ll be back to normal.""Well," said Father O"Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."So Father O"Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...
• R Kelly: "If she"s old enough to bleed, she"s old enough to breed."Gary Glitter: "If she"s old enough to crawl, she"s in the right position."
• Gary Glitter goes into a bar and orders a pint of John Smiths. The barman says, "Sorry, sir, I"m afraid I can"t serve you that."Gary Glitter asks, "Why?"The barman replies, "Because it"s a no nonces bitter."
• What did one nonce say to the other?I"ll swap you two fives for a ten..
• I read that paedophiles are attracted to children because they have a fixational fetish about virginity.So I went upstairs and made sure my kids won"t ever have to worry about that sort of thing...
• Why doesn"t Michael Jackson win a race??He likes to cum in a little behind