Nhs jokes

• Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths. Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300 dead.Fuck, it makes you proud to be British!
• What have Harold Shipman and Gareth Gates got in common?Neither of them can finish a sentence!
• The NHS has announced that all sperm banks in Manchester and West London will close for the next 7 days as all the wankers will be in Moscow.
• An NHS spokesperson has announced that they have stopped giving smear tests to women over 70. Asked if this was a cost saving exercise he replied no, but have you ever tried opening a cheese toastie.
• What"s the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?Shipman actually did something about the NHS waiting lists.
• News reports today tell that British hospitals are "plagued by vermin and pests".Well, if we didn"t give them asylum in the first place...
• A posh lady board member is being shown around her new hospital by the Matron.In the first room in the ward, she sees a patient furiously wanking in bed."Good Grief!" She exclaims, "That"s disgusting! Why is that man wanking in bed?""Well," the matron explains, "that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn"t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode!""Oh I see. That poor man," says the lady.Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse.Shocked, the lady says "This is terrible, what"s your explanation for this?""He"s got the same condition as the first man," replies the matron, "but he"s with BUPA."
• I"ve never understood why football fans chant, "You"re going home in a fucking ambulance!"Since when do the NHS do drop-offs?
• Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:Lady - Hello I"d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?Hospital - Do you know which ward she is in?Lady - Yes, ward P, room 2B.Hospital - I"ll just put you through to the nurse station.Nurse - Hello ward P, how can I help?Lady - I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?Nurse - I"ll just check her notes. I"m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree"s conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.Lady - Oh that"s wonderful news, I"m so happy, thankyou ever so much!Nurse - You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?Lady - No, I"m Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you fuck all in here...
• "Goody immediately flew back to the U.K. to start treatment, and admits medics told her that without emergency surgery, she would only have months to live."If only she"d have been on the fuckin" NHS!