News jokes

• Some positive news for Amir Khan.His uncle has offered him a paper round at his corner shop.
• Police are now saying that the body of a young British girl found in a suitcase in Brazil may not be Cara Burke. Apparently, it wasnt a Burberry suitcase and her family have stated that Cara would not be seen dead in it.
• A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states; "Well, I can tell you that you"ll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time." "Am I pregnant?" she gasped. "That is wonderful news!" "I"m afraid not," replied the doctor, "you have bowel cancer."
• The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......Apparently they"ve found some copper in Snowdonia.
• I heard on the news today that flat chested women have a 50% higher suicide rate than women with naturally big boobs.This isn"t a joke I just wanted to share the great news!
• The other day I read in the paper, "A woman has been murdered in Manchester, by a 38 year old man who has not been named."I thought, "38 years old and he still hasn"t been named? What"s everyone been calling him all these years?"
• What"s the difference between Shannon Matthews and Lassie?Lassie came home.(Alternative answers- Lassie had nicer hair, Lassie has a prettier face, Lassie is a better fuck)
• A man is walking down a country lane late one night when he has a sudden urge for sex. He realises that there is a pumpkin patch in the field by the lane and reasoning that a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside decided that this was his best bet. So he cut a hole in a pumpkin and proceeded to have sex with it. After a while he got so carried away that he didn"t notice that a police car had stopped at the side of the road. A police woman got out of the car, walked over to the man and said,"Excuse me sir but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin.?"The guy looked horrified and said, "A pumpkin? Damn! Is it midnight already?"
• Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. "It"s possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."(The Daily Telegraph)
• NEWS FLASH!All the pakis in the world are dead!Carlsberg don"t do newsflashes, but if they did, they"d probably be the best newsflashes in the world.