Newcastle jokes

• What does a newcastle fan do after his team has just beat real madrid in the champions league?Turn his playstation off and get into bed with his sister.
• Six players were named in a drug scandel at Newcastle.Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed.
• Christmas gets earlier every year, already B&Q are selling Christmas trees, Christmas cards are everywhere and its pantomime season at Newcastle United again........
• A Sky Sports poll has named Joe Kinnear the second worst caretaker appointment ever. Ian huntley was first.
• Newcastle FC have apparently set up a call centre for fans. Who are troubled by there latest form.The number is 0800 10 10 10Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.Once again the number is0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
• Newcastle United boast more websites than any other football club, over a thousand in fact, and you can locate them all inside their trophy cabinet.
• Little pricks go in little condoms.Big pricks go in big condoms.So what do you put fat pricks into?A NEWCASTLE UNITED SHIRT
• If the Nigerian consortium buy Newcastle United the fans will be the Coon Army.
• Following the problems in the financial sector in the US, uncertainty has now hit Japan.In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal
• A rich tycoon decided to buy each of his 3 sons something for christmas, so he asked them each what they wanted"I want a train set" said the first son, so he bought him British Rail""I want model aeroplanes" said the second son, so he bought him British Airways"I want a mickey mouse outfit" said the third son, so he bought him Newcastle Utd
• A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge dramatically allowed the boy to chose who should have custody of him. Custody was yesterday granted to Newcastle United Football Club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone."
• My mate has just called to ask if I want any tickets to watch a couple of comedy acts on 21st December.I asked, “Who"s appearing?”He said, “Newcastle and Spurs.”
• I can"t imagine the whole Newcastle crowd singing:"Theres only one Joe Kinnear."The pitch is full of "em.
• Try saying "halal meat" without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone.
• Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act and sent to an institution for retards with no chance of recovery."We"re glad to have him back!" said Kevin Keegan.
• Newcastle united"s trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen.Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet.
• A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist"s Assistant.Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies,"Uh - yes I"ve had quite a few enquiries about this job. The job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they"re ready for the gynaecologist"s examination. There"s an annual salary of £45,000 but I"m afraid you"ll have to travel to Oxford.""Oh why, is that where the job"s based?""No. That"s where the end of the queue is"
• Shannon Matthews has been found safe and well. Her first words were, "Have Newcastle won yet?" "Fuck off," replies the copper, "You"ve only been missing a month..."
• What"s the difference between Newcastle United and the Bermuda Triangle?The Bermuda Triangle has three points.
• I see that Newcastle United are changing the name of their ground from St James" Park to Sid James" Park after this latest carry-on.
• A white lie: "No dear, your bum doesn"t look big in those jeans".A black lie: "I didn"t steal no mother fuckin" car".nufcdude----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Or a black and white lie: Newcastle are fucking amazing!
• Newcastle United have made a sizeable sum available to buy new players.They"re opening Joe Kinnear"s swearbox.
• Rumours that Alan Shearer has refused the Newcastle job due to a personality clash with ex team-mates have been proved unfounded."Its a complete fabrication," said his spokesman. "Everyone knows Alan hasn"t got one."