Naked jokes

• Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity.
• Taurus (Apr 21-May 21): Today you should go to your bedroom window and stand there naked for a minute, then turn around and stay there for another minute, you should do this especially if your name is Mrs Hughes and you live at 56, The Avenue, Clapham. Around 3.30 would be best for me.
• Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?".Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your fucking sense of humour".
• What"s the difference between a naked white woman and a naked black woman?One"s on the cover of Playboy and the other"s on the cover of National Geographic.
• "It"s too hot to wear clothes today," my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower. "What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?" he asked. "Probably that I married you for your money," I replied.
• An engineering student was walking across campus with a shiny new mountain bike when he was approached by a friend, also an engineering student. The friend said, "Hey, where"d you get the great looking bike?"The first engineer replied, "Well, i was walking across campus the other day. This beautiful woman rode up to me on her bike, ripped off all her clothes, laid down on the ground and said "Take anything you want!!!""The second engineer replied, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn"t have fit anyway!"
• 73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.I"d like to meet those women.
• After not finding a suitable virgin to marry, a rich man takes a young girl from an orphanage and puts her in the care of a monastary until she reaches the age of marriage. He picks her up ten years later, marries her, and they go on the honeymoon. She is waiting naked in bed and he walks in with a bottle of vaseline in hand and she asks, "what"s that for?"He says, "being your first time, this will help ease it in."She laughs and says, "why don"t you just spit on the end of your dick, like the priests did?"
• A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He"s so horny and keen to try out his new "system" that he doesn"t think twice and leaps on board.After a few minutes "slap and tickle", they find themselves in the "69" position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor"s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
• A nun is in the bath when there"s a knock on the bathroom door."Who is it?" shouted the nun."The blind man" came the reply.The nun tells him to enter, as he wouldn"t be able to see her in all her glory, because he"s blind.He walks in and quips "Nice pair of tits, where do you want the blinds?"
• I"d like to leave this world like I came into it: Screaming, naked and covered in someone else"s blood!
• A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something."Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?""Yes, officer, I know I was speeding, but it is a matter of life or death.""Oh, really? How"s that?""There"s a naked woman waiting for me at home.""I don"t see how that is a matter of life or death.""If I don"t get home before my wife does, I"m a dead man."