Murder jokes

• Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths. Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300 dead.Fuck, it makes you proud to be British!
• Police are now saying that the body of a young British girl found in a suitcase in Brazil may not be Cara Burke. Apparently, it wasnt a Burberry suitcase and her family have stated that Cara would not be seen dead in it.
• My wife was so excited when we went to the grand canyon,but when she eventually saw it her face dropped a mile.It was my fault really, I pushed her over the edge.
• Saw some black actor on the box last night. It was great... I kicked it out from under his feet and he jiggled on the end of the rope for a good five minutes.
• My mother-in-law was always nagging.She said I would never make anything of myself.So I strangled her and made myself a murderer.
• I had a mate who was suicidal.He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.He was chuffed to bits.
• How do you kill a bunch of retards on a bus?Put poison on the windows.
• A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed."Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain."Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
• Three blokes are in a South African jail. Two of them are white, and one of them is black. The black guy asks the first white bloke, "what you in for?""Murdered a black," the white man responds."How long did you get?" inquires the black man.The white man replies, "10 years, but the judge said I would be out in five with good behaviour.""Shit," said the black man, turning to the other white man. "And what about you?"The white man says, "I raped a black woman."The black man asks, "how long you get?"The white man replies, "two years, but the judge said I would be out in a year with good behaviour."The white man ponders and asks, "what are you in for?""Riding a bicycle with no lights," he replies."How long did you get?" asks the white man.The black man sighs, "15 years, and the judge said I was lucky it was daylight or it would have been 30."
• A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem Officer?"The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I"d give it to you but I don"t have one.""You don"t have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I"m sorry, I can"t do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car."The officer says, "Stole it?"The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?""She"s in the boot if you want to see."The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?""One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.""Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"The man says "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn"t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
• If you think London knife crime is bad, it"s not. We"ve had 200 murders in the last year where I live, here in the small English village of Midsomer.
• My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn"t do.He didn"t wipe his fingerprints off the knife.
• An Alabama Sheriff was being interviewed by local news about the recent discovery of a black mans" body."We found this here body of a nigger. He"d been burnt, stabbed, shot, hung, dipped in acid, then shot again. In fact, it"s the worst case of suicide I"ve ever seen."
• I still think about my ex quite a lot...It"s really hard to push the lawnmower over the "bump".