Mum jokes

• Have you ever wondered if your mother kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job?Bet you have now!!!
• The other day my friend told me he had sex with his teacher.This was fine, until he told me he was home tutored.
• Mums, out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday.
• A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he"s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he"s as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher.""That"s right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let"s get fish and chips, then I"ll buy you that bike you"ve been asking for.""Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."
• Petrol is way too fucking expensive these days. I actually can"t afford to drive. Last time I went dogging, I had to ask my mum to give me a lift.
• I was banging one out over a porno mag this morning when my mum caught me and started slapping me around the head. The newsagent wasn"t happy either.
• A lad comes home from school and asks, "Dad, what"s a cunt?"His Dad slaps him and tells him not to be so rude, but the lad begs him as his mates are all taking the piss out of him for not knowing.Feeling sorry for him, the dad looks down and says, "follow me son."They walk into the bathroom where the wife is in the bath."You see that black hairy thing in between your mothers legs, son?""Yes, Dad," the lad replies."Well that"s a fanny, the rest of her"s a cunt"
• My Mum used to say "boys will be boys"I don"t think she had ever been to Thailand
• When me and my brother were young and having a fight my mum used to say, "if all this fighting doesn"t stop, someone"s going to get hurt!" She was right - we teamed up and kicked the shit out of her.
• There are three mums - a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says, "Oh my gosh, I went through my daughter"s purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"They comfort her and the redhead says, "Yes, well I found a fake I. D. in my daughter"s purse. I cannot believe she has one." So they all comfort her.Then the blonde says, "That"s nothing, I found a condom in my daughter"s purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis."
• your mothers so fat she tryed gettin cheats for wii fit