Mouth jokes

• Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut
• My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you can smell the ocean.
• Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven?Because if they all went, it would be hell.
• At a news conference a journalist said to a politician: "Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"The politician replied: "My assistant has a big mouth!"
• I saw an advert the other day for sanitary towels. It said, "Always, have a happy period." So I bought one. It worked, I was happy; I stuck it over her mouth.
• A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I"ve been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you"re still fucking talking aren"t you?"
• This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "alright, little fella - if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car?"To which the kid replies, "gimme the bag and I"ll come in your mouth!"
• A guy says to his wife, "I"m in the mood for some 69." She says, "It"s that time of the month, but if you don"t care, I don"t care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69"ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It"s just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I"m sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn"t looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."
• A female loves to golf with her husband, but her game could improve, so she decides to take private lessons. The wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says,"No, no, no, you"re gripping the club way too hard.""What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you"d hold your husband"s penis."The wife takes the advice, swings & Thump. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 ft."That was great," the pro says with a straight face."Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you"re supposed to!"
• I remember when I was a kid, I was at a family dinner.There was this huge chocolate cake for afters.I couldn"t take my eyes off it.My Grandad saw me and said, "go on, no-one"s looking."I said, "are you sure?""Course I"m sure," he replied.So I whacked him in the mouth.