Mother in law jokes

• Went on a pleasure trip last weekend.Drove my mother-in-law to the airport.
• They say if you look at your mother-in-law, you see what your wife will look like in 20 years time.But in America you look at your mother-in-law and see your Aunt.
• They say if you look at your mother-in-law you will see your wife in 30 years time. But when I look at old Maud, I just get a hard on.
• My mother-in-law asked me "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the fireplace?"I replied "To keep the kids away from the fire"
• I was at a family gathering and I had a shocking realisation. I saw my mother-in-law, and it hit me - in 25 years time, that"s what my wife will look like. But it wasn"t all bad - it occured to me that, in 25 years, our young daughter will probably look like my wife does now - so there is always that option.
• A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there, the mother-in-law dies.The local undertaker tells the man, "You can have her shipped home for £10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £50.00."The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to pack her up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend £10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only £50.00?"The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can"t take that chance."
• Dear SirEighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I"d used for years without any trouble.However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 that I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to, because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2000.Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0"s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.It also conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can"t be turned off. Recently I"ve attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it could delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.Any ideas?
• After saying I didn"t want to go and see my mother-in-law in hospital, my wife said I needed to sort my priorities out.So I filed for divorce, got drunk and went to watch the football.
• Last night my girlfriend pushed me onto the bed.I lay helpless as she tied my hands and blindfolded me, then smeared chocolate spread over my hardening cock and swallowed me, inch by inch, deep into her throat.And I thought, "Oh my God, she"s turning into my mother."
• What"s the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
• I was in town yesterday and saw a very unusual funeral. A big, horse-drawn hearse was pulling two coffins, and behind it walked a man in black with a big Staffordshire Bull Terrier on a lead. Behind him slowly walked about 500 guys in single file.I couldn"t resist asking, so I went up to the guy with the dog and asked, "what"s this all about?" "Well," said the guy, "those two coffins are my wife and my mother-in-law. My dog attacked my wife, and killed her. My mother-in-law went to help and she ended up badly bitten too, and died."I thought for a moment, then asked, "mate, would you mind if I borrowed that dog?""You can do," he replied, pointing to the line of guys behind him, "but you"ll have to join the queue!"
• What"s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?Outlaws are wanted.
• A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.While they were walking through the barn, the farmer"s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.The priest noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.Curious, the priest later asked the farmer what that was all about.The farmer replied, "The women would say, "What a terrible tragedy" and I would nod my head and say, "Yes, it was.""The men would ask, ""You wanna sell that mule?" and I would shake my head and say, "Can"t. It"s all booked up for a year."