Morning jokes

• Some mornings I wake up bitchyOther mornings I let her sleep.
• TOP TIPTo get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.
• I awoke early one morningThe Earth lay cool and stillWhen suddenly a tiny birdPerched on my windowsillHe sang a song so lovelySo carefree and so gayThat slowly all my troublesBegan to slip awayHe sang of far off placesOf laughter and of funIt seemed his very trillingBrought up the morning sunI stirred beneath the coversCrept slowly out of bedGently shut the windowAnd crushed his fucking head!I am NOT a morning person!!
• How annoying would it be to be married to Heather Mills? Every morning you would wake up, she would still have a bigger wood than you!
• My wife says she is a fan of morning sex.So it was a great surprise to me when she refused to do it in a graveyard.
• I was walking in a cemetery this morning and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."He replied, "No, just having a shit."
• I had a meal last night in the new Muslim Curry House that has opened near meI won"t be doing that again, I woke up this morning with the Shi"ite"s
• I like to start my day with a nice cuddle and a shag.Although I think he"d probably prefer a walk and a game of fetch.
• A married couple have been together for years. One morning, the husband is reading his newspaper when his wife tells him "I wish I were your newspaper, then you"d give me your full attention for hours every day.""Oh, that"s nice darling," says the man. "You know, I wish I could have a wife like a newspaper.""Oh yes," says the woman. "Because then you"d be able to put your hands all over me every day?""No," says the husband. "Because then I could throw out the old one every night and pick up a nice, fresh, new one every morning."
• I woke up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat saying"Please don"t bend"I thought "How the fuck am I going to pick it up then?"