Monkey jokes

• What do you call a monkey with dynamite?Baboom.
• Some say H.I.V developed in Africa after a native had a sexual encounter with a monkey. After recent events this seems plausible, as a prison warder from Sudan has been caught fucking gibbons.
• Why are monkeys so pissed off?Because in a few million years they will become black.
• Has anyone else seen that advert for UKTV Style with the black man swinging about on monkey bars in his house? How long till do gooders start complaining?
• I made a monkey out of myself last night.........I got a black girl pregnant.
• What do you call black man in a tree with a monkey?The Assistant Branch Manager.
• A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it. While he`s sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The landlord runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?""No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man."He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord."I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man.About two weeks later the man comes back to the pub with his monkey. While he`s drinking at the bar his monkey is again out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar picks it up, sticks it up his arse and then pulls it out and eats it.The landlord having seen this asks the man, "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?""No," says the man."He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him."Well, what do you expect?" asks the man. "Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"
• Rocket launches from houston to Mars with two monkeys and an american on board. Houston radios the first monkey and say"adjust oxygen 20%,stop radar and phase to warp factor 3."Monkey 1 replies "ok roger that."Houston then radios second monkey"switch off engine 3,start radiation shield and adjust anti-gravitational throttle."Monkey 2 replies roger that."Houston calls american "feed the monkeys and don"t fucking touch a thing!"
• A woman got on a bus holding a baby."Blimey," the bus driver said, "that"s the ugliest baby I"ve ever seen."In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.The man sympathised and said, "He"s a public servant! He shouldn"t say things to insult passengers.""You"re right!" she said. "I think I"ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.""That"s a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
• A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I"m in deep trouble now!"Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what"s going to happen to that conniving canine."Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn"t seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....................."Where"s that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
• A Chinese man is stood next to a lake skimming stones. Every time it skims, it makes a sound- "ching, chang, chong", "ping pang pong".A black guy walks up and asks, "what are you doing?"The Chinese man says that every time he skims a stone it sings out the name of his ancestors.The black man has a go and it goes "chim, pan, zee".
• I don"t know why people are against human-animal hybrid embryos. I mean, how else are we going to get monkey butlers?
• What"s white and runs down trees?Monkey spunk.
• A racist guy walks into a bar with a shirt that reads: I hate niggers. The bartender sends him into the bathroom to turn it inside out. While the racist is in the bathroom, an African man with a trained monkey comes into the bar and performs for tips. Some people throw in some loose change, others a couple of bucks here and there, but that same racist threw a fifty dollar bill in the tip cup.The bartender saw that and pulled him to the side and said, "hey man...I thought you hated niggers."The racist replied, "I do, but you can"t take it out on their kids."
• A man walks into a pub with his monkey.He orders a pint and sits down to drink it.while he`s sitting at the bar,his monkey is out of control.It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball.The landlord runs up to the man and says,"Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man. "He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord. "I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man. About two weeks later,the man comes backto the pub with his monkey.while he`s drinking at the bar,his monkey is agaian out of control.The monkey finds a grape at the bar,picks it upsticks it up his arse,and then eats it. The landlord,having seen this,asks the man:"Did you see what your sick monkey just did?" "No",says the man. "He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him. "Well,what do you expect?"asks the man."Since that pool ball he measures everything first!"