Money jokes

• I sympathise with everyone who lost money in Iceland.I dropped a two pound coin between two freezers and never got it back.
• I went to a fortune teller last week and he told me a lot of money is coming my way.I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
• Secrets to a Happy Marriage1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.and MOST important...4. It is important that these three women never meet.
• The government have published a guide for parents that will help them spot the tell- tale signs that their son is a gang member,I could save them a lot of money here,by just asking the parents one question."Is your son black?"
• I don"t know what"s happening in this country. You"ve got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It"s a nightmare - you don"t know whether to carry sweets or money.
• A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town. After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about £40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out. He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can"t communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language. "Ask him where the money is." The restaurant owner signs to the man who"d been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where"s the money?" The deaf mute replies, "I don"t know what you"re talking about." The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector"s mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is." The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The £40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car." The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn"t know what you"re talking about, doesn"t think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother sucks cock for money."
• Two black guys are walking down the street when they see a sign that says, "Turn White for Fifteen Quid." The two men turn their pockets inside out only to discover that one has a twenty pound note and the other one has a ten pound note. Since neither one of them has exactly fifteen pounds, they can"t figure out how they can both get turned white... Finally one of them has a stroke of genius. "You take twenty quid and go in there and get turned white, then when you come out you can give me your fiver change and then I will have fifteen quid and I can get turned white too!" "You bet, dawg!" says the other guy, and he goes inside. Ten minutes later, you wouldn"t believe it, that black guy was now blond-haired, blue-eyed, white-skinned and even had a suit and a tie on! The first black guy says, "holy shit man! I can"t believe it, you really are white! Hurry up and give me that fiver so I can do it too!" To which the newly-white man exclaims, "fuck you, nigger, get a job!"
• I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".I"m wondering is it them or me.
• A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don"t know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don"t know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde"s attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.The lawyer asks the first question. "What"s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The blonde doesn"t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it"s the blonde"s turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
• Don"t know why Heather Mills wanted all that money - she"s only going to spend it on handbags and shoe.
• Mr Khan and Mr Jones live next door to each other in identical houses. Their homes are valued by an estate agent. Mr Khan"s house is worth £200,000 - while Mr Jones" is worth £150,000.Mr Jones asks the estate agent, "why this is?"The estate agent replies, "simple: Mr Khan dosen"t have a Paki living next door."
• An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this fucking church."The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?""Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fucking church!""I"m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop"s study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?""There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.""I see," said the Bishop, "and is this cunt giving you a hard time?"