Mental jokes

• Who sits in a nursery and plays with crayons?Gazza!!!!!
• What"s the difference between PMT and BSE?One attacks the cow"s brain and sends it fucking mental, and the other is some kind of agricultural problem
• I"ve just sold my house for £250,000.........the council are going to go fucking mental.
• I was thinking, the human brain is such an amazing thing.But then it occurred to me - what"s telling me that? Fucking showoff.
• A man goes in to a mental hospital and says to the receptionist, "is there anyone in room 30?"The receptionist goes and checks. She comes back and says, "no, sir, there"s no one in there."The man replies, "ah, that"s good, I must have escaped."
• Why is it that when you talk to God, it"s called praying,but when God talks to you, it"s called schizophrenia?
• Just because someone doesn"t love you the way you want them to, doesn"t mean they don"t love you with all they have.Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna"s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you"re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he"s dead."Edna replied, "He didn"t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
• My grandad used to get up at 5am every morning and deliver milk to people"s doorsteps in a horse drawn cart.He isn"t a milkman, he"s clinically insane.
• A doctor at the asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ""Up nuts!"" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ""Down nuts!"" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, ""Cheer nuts!"" And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, ""Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ""PEANUTS!""
• A nurse walking into a mental patients room is surprised to find him sitting on the bed, pretending to drive a car!"Joe", she says, "What are you doing?""Cant talk now", Joe says, "I"m driving to Dublin!" She wishes him a good trip and goes to the next room. Here she see John sitting up in bed wanking furiously. Shocked, she shouts, "John! what are you doing!" "Shh!", He replies, "Im shagging Joe"s wife while he is in Dublin."
• A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises. "Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?""I"m driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!""You fucking nutbar, you"re not in a car, you"re in a mental hospital!"A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut the fuck up will you, he"s giving me twenty quid a day to wash the cunt."
• I walked past a mental home today and could hear them all shouting 13..13..13..13.. i wanted to know what was going on? so i looked through the hole in the fence and some TWAT poked me in the eye and they all shouted... 14... 14... 14... 14...