Me jokes

• I wanked over a blind girl yesterday.She never saw me coming.
• My girlfriend dumped me last week just after I broke my wrist.Right when I needed her the most!
• I go to the gym a lot, its makes it easy to get girls.The last girl I raped didnt stand a chance.
• Roses are red,Violets are blue,I"m using my hand,But I"m thinking of you.
• It"s a good job Shannon Matthews was found - imagine finding her in 24 years with 7 kids who look just like her.
• Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day, he just wasn"t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man"s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I"m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?""I don"t think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the toilet.
• As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we"re one short."