Mate jokes

• My mate died after fucking an inmate at the psychiatric hospital where he worked.Turns out he had a serious nut allergy.
• Last week my mate was sent to prison for selling drugs. He got 6 years; one for the possession of the drugs,and five years for retailing using non-metric weights and measures.
• My mate recently lost his wife and child.I kept telling him he was shit at cards.
• My mate is addicted to brake fluid.But he reckons he can stop at any time.
• I was questioned for four hours yesterday.About a rape I carried out locally.My mate Dave likes to know all the gory details.
• My mate got 5 years for falling asleep on the job.That sounds a bit harsh, but he was a burglar.
• My best friend ran away with my wife, it"s only been three days and I really miss him.
• My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn"t do.He didn"t wipe his fingerprints off the knife.
• Saw my mate outside the Doctor"s today looking really worried."What"s the matter?" I asked."I"ve got the big C,"he said."What, cancer?""No, dyslexia."
• A guy returns home from the Doctor. His mate asks, "Why are you looking so miserable?"The guy replies, "The doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life."His mate adds, "That"s not too bad."The guy says, "It is - he"s only given me four tablets."
• I went to a funeral last week, but I"m never going there again. The music started playing, and me and my mate were the only ones dancing.
• My mate Dave just sits at home all day eating burgers.He says he"s living the American dream.
• They say the dog is man"s best friend. I don"t believe that.How many of your friends have you neutered?