Masturbation jokes

• Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?Because his wife died.
• What is the definition of ultimate rejection? Your hand falling asleep while having a wank
• Apparently masturbation is good for you -- really, it is! Sexual relief releases a chemical which stimulates the brain, and in effect is a natural anti-depressant. Scientific researchers reckon that if a person were to masturbate every two hours, he would never feel depressed.So, that got me thinking... Mormons are always really happy, upbeat, and jolly people. This tends to prove what we have known all along: they are all a bunch of wankers.
• Two old women are sitting in a cafe. Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come on the bus?"Ethel replies, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
• I"ve tried to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm.However, I"ve now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.
• Thought for the Day:If you"re a Siamese twin, and you have sex with the other one, is it masturbation or incest?
• I don"t know what"s wrong with young people these days - I was waiting at the bus stop the other day when a group of yobs across the road started shouting "Oi, you wanker!" and "Oi, you dirty cunt!". Why can"t they let me masturbate in peace?
• Whoever said men can"t multi-task?I mean, have you never seen a guy watch porn?
• Man with no arms enters a national masturbation competition.Poor sod didn"t come anywhere.
• When my dear old mum died I helped my dad sort out a few of her things. Browsing through an old box of papers we came across a picture of her in her school uniform. That must have been the first wanking competition we"d had in 30 years.
• My wife is so illogical. Last week she threw me out of the house, crying hysterically and calling me an "animal".Now I ask you, how many animals have you ever known to lie on the living room floor masturbating while a Brazilian transsexual takes a dump on the coffee table above?
• Pinnochio goes to his father and complains that whenever he has sex with a girl, she complains about the splinters. His father gives him a piece of sand paper and tells him to rub his dick with it before sex and it should solve the problem.A few days later, Pinnochio"s father asks how the girls are. Pinnochio replies, "Girls, who needs them?"