Married jokes

• Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six-year-old?Because he was a paedophile.
• FOR SALE BY OWNERComplete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. 1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything
• Playboy have brought out a new magazine just for married men.It has the same pictures in it month after month after month.......
• A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite."Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist."Only one," replies the groom. "She won"t take it up the arse."
• Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question."Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?""None," replied Johnny, ""Cause the rest would fly away.""Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?""Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?""No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
• My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else.One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn"t overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock, and couldn"t say a word. She said, "I"m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn"t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."And the moral of this story is:Always keep your condoms in the car!
• The head of MI5 says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the UK.That doesn"t bother me - I got married last week.
• Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn"t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I"m not sure, What was her maiden name?"
• This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.The husband asks, "I notice you"ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?""Yes" she replies, "He"s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.""That"s remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn"t think anybody could celebrate that long."
• When I was fucking this girl last night, she called out my brother"s name instead of mine. What did I expect though? They"d been married 20 years.
• I"ve been married 35 years and have never played away from home. It"s much more exciting when there"s a chance the missus might walk in.