Marriage jokes

• My marriage counsellor said I needed to be more spontaneous.So I raped her.
• Why is marriage like a three-ring circus?First comes the engagement ring, then comes the wedding ring and finally comes the suffering.
• I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and fuck off.
• A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire.""And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.The woman replied, "a billionaire".
• What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man? The bachelor comes home, sees what"s in the refrigerator, then goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what"s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
• While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, "it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."He addressed the men: "can you each name and describe your wife"s favourite flower?"I leaned over, touched my wife"s arm gently and whispered, "self-raising, isn"t it?"
• A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite."Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist."Only one," replies the groom. "She won"t take it up the arse."
• A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don"t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT?"The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can"t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don"t even play tennis but, okay, if you like it then let"s get it."The wife is jumping up and down, she"s so excited - she cannot believe what is going on. She says, "I"m ready to go, let"s go to the cash register."The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we"re not going to buy all this stuff." The wife"s face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while"Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
• When I first took her out, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When we first made love, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to marry me, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she enjoyed our first wedding anniversary celebrations, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. That"s when it finally dawned on me that she was mentally handicapped.
• Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why"s the groom wearing black?"
• "It"s too hot to wear clothes today," my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower. "What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?" he asked. "Probably that I married you for your money," I replied.
• I sent for a mail-order bride from Czechoslovakia 6 months ago and she still hasn't arrived. I rang them earlier today asking where she was and they told me, "The Czech is in the post."