Manchester jokes

• Apparantly Greater Manchester and Lancashire County Councils are struggling with a costly sewage treatment and recycling facility. They should ask Peter Kay for help- he is an expert at making money by re-using old shit over and over again.
• Which three English League teams have swear words in their name?1) Arsenal.2) Scunthorpe United.3) Manchester Fucking United.
• How do you confuse Man Utd. supporters?Ask them the way to Manchester.
• The NHS has announced that all sperm banks in Manchester and West London will close for the next 7 days as all the wankers will be in Moscow.
• Just watched a program on Channel 4 about some canadian blokes who go out trying to catch crabs two months a year!Surely 90% of men in Manchester do that every weekend?
• I had to laugh after the match tonight- the commentator said " There won"t be anyone celebrating in London tonight! "Who the fuck is he trying to kid- Thats where most of the Man Utd fans are from.
• Police are called to Old Trafford. A man in full Chelsea strip is standing on top of the main stand, threatening to throw himself off. The police negotiator says to him, "come on mate, it"s not that bad, don"t do it!""You don"t get it!" says the Chelsea fan, "for years I"ve been a Chelsea supporter, and this year I was convinced we would win everything. Instead, we were kicked out of the FA cup by Barnsley... we lost the Carling Cup final to Spurs... then we lost the Premiership to the Mancs, and then we went to the Champions League final and Man United beat us again! I can"t take it any more!""Ok mate, I do understand your pain," replied the negotiator, "but I don"t understand one thing... why are you here at Old Trafford? Why aren"t you jumping off the main stand at Stamford Bridge?"The Chelsea fan looked at the policeman and replied, "have you seen the fucking QUEUE?"
• Manchester Police are looking for a racist attacker.I called them. Apparently it"s not a job advert.
• Following the finding of the mutilated body of a young man in Manchester"s gay district, police have said that they intend to intensively probe members of the homosexual community.Apparently they are already forming a queue.
• Greater Manchester Police are looking for a racist attacker...I"m off to get an application form - Anyone else want one picking up??
• More than 20 students have tested positive for TB at Manchester Metropolitan University.A spokesman said these are the best results they"ve had in years.
• A taxi driver in Manchester was sat in his cab, hands down his pants, doing a routine testicular cancer check, when a gorgeous girl with great big boobs climbed in."How much to Oldham?" she enquired.He said; "You can hold "em for nowt, love, if I can hold yours as well!"