Man jokes

• A man ended up in a hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a toy horse lodged in his arse. The doctors have described his condition as stable.
• A man is lying in bed with his wife when she rolls over and says, "Say something dirty to me."He replies, "the dishes."
• A man went into a library and asked for a book on suicide.The librarian said "Fuck off, you won"t bring it back."
• Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.His wife is lying in bed reading.Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you"ve got a headache."Wife replies, "I think you"ll find that is a sheep."Man replies, "I think you"ll find I was talking to the sheep."
• The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn"t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men"s clothing store & thought, "That"s what I need - a new suit."He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I"d like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let"s see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let"s see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe"s feet and said, "Let"s see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That"s right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe"s waist and said, "Let"s see... size 36."Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I"ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can"t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
• The International Council of Man Laws. 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss"s car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 4: If you"ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate"s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate"s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy"s choice. 7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who"s playing. 9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she"s officially your girlfriend. 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you"re sunning on a tropical beach ... and it"s delivered by a topless model and only when it"s free. 11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 12: Unless you"re in prison, never fight naked. 13: Friends don"t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 14: If a man"s fly is down, that"s his problem, you didn"t see anything. 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that"s just greedy. 18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you"d better be talking about his choice of beer. 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she"s withholding sex pending your response. 20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you"re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you"d know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story. 26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men"s Gymnastics. Ever. 27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are "spit roasting" a woman.28: We"ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: * "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" * "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, "You"re next fatty!" I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws
• I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup.I leaned over and said, "you"re single, aren"t you?""How can you tell?" she said, in a sarcastic tone.I said, "because you"re an ugly cunt!"
• A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I"ve been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you"re still fucking talking aren"t you?"
• A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.When he gets home, it"s there.Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.When he gets home, it"s there.So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?""Yes, why?" asks his wife."Put the cunt on," he says, "I"m fucking lost."
• A classic, no doubt you"ve seen it before, but here goes:In Heaven, there is the ideal citizen of the world:He has the MANNERS of an Englishman, and the SEX APPEAL of the Spaniard.He has the HUMOUR of the the Irishman, and the BRAIN of the German.He has the STYLE of the Italian, and the COURAGE of the Scotsman.He has the MUSCLES of the Russian, and the WEALTH of the AmericanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Indian, and the HYGENIE of the Finn.However, in hell, the reverse is true.. he is the WORST citizen..he has..ready...He has the MANNERS of an Frenchman, and the SEX APPEAL of the FrenchmanHe has the HUMOUR of the the Frenchman, and the BRAIN of the FrenchmanHe has the STYLE of the Frenchman, and the COURAGE of the FrenchmanHe has the MUSCLES of the Frenchman, and the WEALTH of the FrenchmanHe has the SPIRITUALITY of the Frenchman, and the HYGENIE of the Frenchman
• A man and a woman went to court disputing over custody of their child.The Judge asked the woman to rise and argue her case."I went through all the pain undergoing labour and I see no reason why the child"s custody should not be handed to me", she pleaded.The man replied, "Your Honour, let me put it this way. If you put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke drops out, who"s would it be... the machines or yours?"
• How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
• What’s the worst possible thing you can call a woman? Don’t hold back, now. You’re probably thinking of words like slut, whore, bitch, cunt (I told you not to hold back!), skank. Okay, now, what are the worst things you can call a guy? Fag, girl, bitch, pussy. I’ve even heard the term “mangina.” Notice anything? The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult. Now tell me that’s not royally fucked up.