Lottery jokes

• Did you hear about the 3 Million Pound Irish lottery?The winner gets 3 quid a year for a million years.
• Whenever I see a girl put her newly bought lottery ticket down her bra for safe keeping, I feel the urge to go for a lucky dip.
• The bloody Paki family down my road won the jackpot on the lottery last week. Being a generous bunch, they shared it out between their family.They got £4.28 each.
• Why did the old Jew give half the proceeds of his 2 million quid lottery win to the Nazi party?Because they tattooed the winning numbers on his forearm.
• An elderly Jewish couple win the lottery. Suddenly they have more money than they could have dreamt of.The wife asks the husband, "what are we going to do about the begging letters?"The husband thinks for a while and replies, "keep sending them out."
• A man says to his wife, "What would you say if I told you I"d won the lottery?"She says, "I"d take half and then leave you.""Excellent," the guy says. "I had three numbers come up and won a tenner. Here"s a fiver... now fuck off!"
• An old man walks into the local Cathedral and says to the rector, "I would like to join this fucking church."The astonished man replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?""Listen, damn it. I said I want to join this fucking church!""I"m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."The rector leaves his desk and goes into the bishop"s study to inform him of the situation. The Bishop agrees that the rector does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to his office and the Bishop asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?""There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 5 million quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.""I see," said the Bishop, "and is this cunt giving you a hard time?"
• A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid.The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor. You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother.""What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?""Yep," replies his dad, "and a fucking tight one, too."
• Forget winning the Lottery.I"m off to open a rope shop in Bridgend.
• What"s black and white and shouts "fuck the pope"?A nun that"s won the lottery!
• A man comes running into his house "I"VE WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY!!"His wife is extatic, "OH MY GOD!! REALLY!?" "Yeah pack up some clothes honey""Should I pack for cold or warm weather?" she asks him."I don"t care honey JUST FUCKING GET OUT!"