London jokes

• I was in London the other day when I got mugged by two Chinese guys.The police have narrowed it down to 45,000 suspects.
• How do you know when petrol prices are at their highest?London taxi drivers start to take the shortest route.
• The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience. Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians, Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis, Turks, Greeks, Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.
• Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.Poor bastard.
• As we approach the third anniversary of the London Tube/Bus Bombings we need to look to the future, and see that in an odd way, something positive came out of that day.Four dead pakis.
• Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visting the sperm bank in London. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.
• They decided to take the blue smarties out of the tube as they were causing harm to the public?It would have been a smarter idea to remove the browns from the tube ... as this would have prevented the london bombings.
• I find it incredibly annoying and frustrating when people refer to the London Suicide bombers , the lot that blew themselves up on the 7th of July, as "Four Pakis." Lets get this right, please. Part of the process of healing is understanding, and admitting that this is a problem that affects us all. Prejudice is a two-way street. They were NOT "Four Fucking Pakis," to describe them as such is offensive and incorrect. They were three pakis and a nigger. Thank You.
• What"s black and doesn"t work?Half of London.
• If you think London knife crime is bad, it"s not. We"ve had 200 murders in the last year where I live, here in the small English village of Midsomer.
• Prince Phillip and the Queen were dining in one of London"s top restaurants.The waiter comes over and asks what Phillip would like to order."I"ll have two rare steaks my good fellow."Waiter, "Does sir mean two bloody steaks?"Phillip, "Yes quite right old chap, two bloody steaks."Queen, "And plenty of fucking chips!"
• Women have it easy these days. They can get sex whenever they want.Any women who disagree with this, call me on 0792 191 2527 (London) and I"ll prove it.