Liverpool jokes

• Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Fucking typical, all the windows are boarded up and some cunts nicked all the fucking chocolate.
• *Breaking News*: Police have just stopped John Arne Risse on the M62. Apparently he was heading in the wrong direction...
• I just had a go of the Liverpool version of MonopolyIts just like regular monopoly except every space says go to jail.
• After sponging off society all his life, sending in sick notes as often as possible, never doing a full weeks work, and basically being a lazy useless scrounger, it was inevitable that Louis Saha would end up signing for a Liverpool club.
• The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God please somebody help me!”THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.
• Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car". Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.
• A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living fuck out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusted himself down and calmly returned to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless.Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened:Barman: "Bloody hell mate. What on earth did he whisper to you?"Scouser: "Dunno, something about a "job"."
• Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar."Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who"s he?""Gee, that"s the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?""Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?""Leeds," replied the memory man.Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"The wise Red Indian didn"t hesitate in answering, "2-1."Dave thinks he"ll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave"s curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue."How," Dave says.The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."
• I can"t fucking stand Mark Lawrenson. If I want someone to constantly interrupt my enjoyment of the football with pointless, witless, ill-informed shite then I"ll get a girlfriend.
• Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?Because if it walked, it"d get mugged.
• Ferrari"s Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the fucker to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard"s bird getting shagged up the arse.
• What"s the difference between a cow and a tragedy?A scouser wouldn"t know how to milk a cow.
• I was round Liverpool the other day when some scousers started squaring up to us."Pretend we"re the police," my mate whispered to me.They kicked the shit out of me before I even got to the chorus!
• Walking between liverpool airport and the banks or the river mersey, an area prone to serious fly tipping, I noticed that the rubbish had recently been removed. A chap who was out walking his dog came over to me and said "I don't believe It, the thieving bastards" "Why whats wrong" I asked". Somebuggers pinched all the rubbish." he replied.
• Why did it take so long to complete the the anglican cathedral?" Every time the brickie laid three brick some body pinched two.
• i like going to liverpool to visit my fucking alloys