Little jokes

• What should you do if your little girl starts smoking?Slow down and use a lubricant.
• What did Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussain have in common?Both had Kurds in their way.
• I was sitting in the park last week chewing a sweet when a little girl came over and asked if she could have a sweet.I said, "I only have one left, sorry." She looked a bit sad so I gave her one.Then I ate my last sweet.
• little Bobby says to his dad " Do you and mummy keep birds in your bedroom?", Daddy says "No, What do you mean?", and bobby says "Well, last night i was passing by your room, and i heard you say to mummy "Do you wanna swallow , or should i let it fly?"
• A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family"s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house.""My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"The little girl replied, "I will if those useless cunts at B & Q ever bring us the fucking plasterboard"
• Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her arse and asks her if she fancies a shag.She says: "Blimey, you"re a little forward, aren"t you?"
• One day a bus driver was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and said: "Big John doesn"t pay", and took his seat on the bus. The bus driver was only a little man and he didn"t want to argue. This happened for several days. After a week , the bus driver was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man? So the driver went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn"t want to get frightened of Big John any more. Three weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit. At the usual stop, Big John got on. "Big John doesn"t pay", he said. But this time the driver was prepared for him. He got up and said : "Oh, yeah? And why doesn"t Big John pay?" "Because Big John has got a bus pass" , the man replied.
• Father O"Mally "God can see you when you masturbate!!"Little Paddy "Does that mean HE"s a paedophile too?"
• Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin"?"His father says, "Son, I"m filling your mother"s tank."Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
• My wife came into the room screaming, "Oh my god, our little Kylie"s got meningitis."I said, "that"s a little rash, isn"t it?"