Life jokes

• Jade Goody was offered a bag for life when she went shopping in Tesco today.When she said yes, they gave her a paper one.
• The girl next door has a life-threatening condition.She is fancied by me.
• I went through a bit of a tough period a while back in my life...well I say tough period, it might have been a miscarriage...
• I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.Next morning, she rang and said, "what are you doing with your life?"
• Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren"t so hot either.
• My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?""Yes, I think so," I replied."I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother"s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you..."
• My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn"t do.He didn"t wipe his fingerprints off the knife.
• A skydiving instructor is answering questions from a group of first-time jumpers.A nervous beginner asks, "so, if my my chute doesn"t open, and the reserve doesn"t open either, how long do I have until I hit the ground?"The instructor replies, "you have the rest of your life."
• A man goes in to his doctors surgery and asks, "Doctor, do you think I will live until I"m 100?"The doctor asks, "Do you drink, smoke or do drugs?" The man replies, "No". The doctor then asks, "Do you like to sleep around with women, and go out partying?" The man replies, "No, I don"t."The doctor then asks, "Well, why the fuck do you want to live until you"re 100 then?"
• I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a "bag for life" - I said "No thanks, I"m already married."
• My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it"s just a waiting game.