Library jokes

• Things have not being going too well at home recently.I arrived home today to see my wife had left me a suicide note. The bitch left a space for me to fill my name in.
• I used to work for the Samaritans - not a great success - five people rang up, and they all ended up committing suicide. It gets worse - two of them were wrong numbers.
• A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel. All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!.....Good thing his bus was full that day!!!
• Felt a little aroused today, so i thought, id have myself a little quiet wank......I was very quiet ,but the librarian still threw me out.
• I wanted to do some DIY the other day, so I went to the Library and asked the Librarian if she had any books on shelves!
• I went to the library today asked the librarian "Do you have any books on naked children?"She replied "No sorry, our books are all on shelves".
• A man went into a library and asked for a book on suicide.The librarian said "Fuck off, you won"t bring it back."
• It"s strange isn"t it ?You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.
• So, I was working in a library and this bloke comes up to me and says, "Do you have a bookmark?" I said, "Yes, we have hundreds...but my name"s Dave"
• I got knocked down yesterday, while crossing a road, by one of those mobile library vans.As I lay screaming in agony, the driver jumped out, ran to me, knelt down and said, "for fuck"s sake, SSSHHH."
• I hear Jade Goody has a book out.With her cancer forcing her to stay indoors and Jack in prison, the library fine will be increasing.That"s what she gets for trying to pretend she can read.
• A man once said to me, "I"m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."I thought, "That"ll be a turn-up for the books."Tim Vine